BuzZing RefleXions .:Shing-Shing!:.

Of And Isn't It Ironic

2012-02-17T00:12:00.004+08:00

Gonna be doing a presentation on suicide for advanced abnormal class. How fucking ironic.

But I still have not gotten down to writing letters. I am too afraid. And I understand the irresponsiblity of it. Still wouldn't do it in the end, I think. No catastrophic trigger, yet.

Shall do my best for what is important for now.

Sengedox signing off.

Of I am ENFP. That is Why.

2012-02-13T02:20:00.005+08:00

Yeah, shouldn't have assumed that that post was for me, Twin. That was the whole point isn't it? That I still seem to think that the world revolves around me. Which is so wrong. I apologise. Will try not to do that again. Haiz.

And I thought you all don't read my blog anymore. I really figured that this had sort of become me talking to myself already. But I believe Brudder really doesn't read this anymore.

It was just yesterday that I was in some emotive state once again, when Kenneth asked me to do this personality quiz, because he is really interested in areas of personality psychology. After taking the test, I turned to be a ENFP, which really isn't surprising. However, what was more important was the webpage he directed me to, which had tons of info about each personality type. And so I read this part about personal growth, and was really shocked at the stuff I read. I mean, it could also be confirmation biases on my part, but the webpage was really spot-on on the things I was experiencing, the way I was interpreting stuff, the way I handled situations, and why I am like what I am right now.

In a way, it was like a huge cloth had been lifted off as I began to sort of understand things better. I know why I feel this way now. And it's not being used as an excuse to continue things this way, but rather as new knowledge to know where to go from here.

I haven't had time to really process all the paragraphs and info though. But I know I can refer to it when I want to really sit down and think about things, and hopefully start changing, or adapting.

No wonder every few years I fall into this abyss of uncertainty and feel like shit all over, and wonder about my compatibility with reality itself. And every fall was deeper than the previous.

I may actually be beginning to understand myself better now.

I do hope the rest understands me more as well. But all this may be too late. I don't know.... I don't know. I really don't want to think so much now. I can't afford to.

Dance is really stressing me up right now. I am really comfortable in all the different parts already, except the dance crew item. I still suck so much at it I really wonder why am I inside. I get so angry at myself when I can't even get the start of Circle properly. Really wanted to break down and cry but yet I did not want to because that would just be delaying the whole crew's progress.

Coming home late every night (or not even coming home at all), I feel so shagged out. I really have not done a single piece of work. My readings are still at week 1. I don't know whether I can catch up come recess week. And now as I try and read an article so as to do my powerpoint slides for my project meeting on Tuesday morning, I feel myself dozing off. I just came home from dancing in school, 7 hours straight, I think I can't really do much tonight. And I don't have much time left.

Nor money. My bank account now says $200+. And I still have not paid Zhenyu the money for the air tickets... How sia. No money for the trip already... And I still need to buy maroon pants for the concert. Imagine if I did not borrow so many clothes... The amount I would have spent now would be equivalent to Kenneth's $300 or more.

It's like, I think pieces of the puzzle are finally starting to come out in patterns suitable for fitting together, but I don't have the capability to do so... Everything seems to be stuck. I wanna do well for dance, but I have such incapacity. But I gotta keep trying. I wanna be able to at least do my school work and project properly, but I have no time and energy. I want to be able to play my new board game, Arkham Horror, but I have no time and energy for it as well. I want to have enough money for grad trip, but money keeps dwindling downwards. I want to take street jazz or waacking lessons once Cactus is over, but my limited amount of money should be set aside for the grad trip... I wanna go for the mass recruitment for cabin crew by SIA but it clashed with dance.

Everything is conflicting.

But I shall not harp on it so much. I know how ENFPs like me think now. Don't let this be a downfall.

I will figure out something when Cactus ends.

Meanwhile, I want Cactus to be a great success. I want the three Dhops items to be awesome possum. I want to be noticed on stage and be remembered for good things. I want to execute all my moves properly. I want to be of crew material, even for a short while.

I want to be remembered that I Was Here.

I was here... I lived, I loved, I was here... I did, I've done...

Sengedox signing off.

Of Where the Fuck Is My Money

2012-01-23T22:39:00.002+08:00

I just realised I lost $600 plus to $700 plus. And I have no idea where is it, how I lost it, what happened, etc.

I feel like killing myself.

Why the fuck does this kind of money related stuff keep happening to me at various periods of my life?

It is no use being gullible, morally upright, honest, etc anymore.

Sengedox signing off.

Of I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

2012-01-20T01:53:00.006+08:00

What should be an epic, funny video becomes a tear jerker. That's how bad my roller coaster emotions are nowadays.

I sincerely hope that many of the people I have been hanging out with (or was hanging out with in the past semester) can come to the concert and watch me and give me support. It actually really means a lot. But of course I won't be forcing anyone. If people cannot make it (or they don't wanna) there is nothing wrong. With them at least. I am just hoping that the fruits of the current labour can be seen and appreciated, what with all the things I have been missing out. And of course, I do get a nagging feeling that my absence is nothing worth mentioning. I don't know, Nessa keeps telling me I am afraid of people's intentions, which I agree. I construe my own realities and conclusions for the things which are ambiguous, even if these gaps are filled with devilish ideas.

My vivid imagination was thinking that, based on the turnout of the concert, I will know whether I should slowly exit and fade away, cos if that is the case the process would already be happening now and there would not be much struggle come mid February onwards. After all, this was never my group to start with. I invaded the group, I have to leave it someday. My imagination drew this whole story like a drama that has lasted 7 seasons and is now on its 8th. And in dramas, some characters will have to exit the show after a while through one way or another. Perhaps it is time for me as this season becomes my finale season. Just like how Prue must die in Charmed for the actress to exit the show due to her conflicts with the other actresses in real life.

My twin mentions online that she has managed to become more stable over the years while I remain broken (if it was possible I think right now it's more shattered than broken haha). Yeah it's referring to me. And yeah I agree. Nothing wrong there. Anyway it's my fault that sometimes we use blogging as a way to communicate less-than-desirable ideas. I believe I started it first. Stupid right. So yeah, why have I been broken all these while? I think I have been in denial that I am broken all this while, that's why. And this time, I try searching for helping hands. But I don't dare to take those who have accepted me but, apologetically, I have not been able to reciprocate (in terms of opening doors and windows), while I... (am I?) wait for the hands that I think I can trust. Ironic, right?

And meanwhile, interactions in school just don't feel the same as before. Over-sensitivity is a highly probable reason... And I guess it's just being aggravated by my inability to be a part, and to partake in whatever has been and is happening. Had told myself not to think so much when I sent the first Whatsapp message, cos in the end I am only killing myself with my own head, but it nags me and bites me. With a second time, I got a slightly better response... And the perpetual good guy was the first one to give a positive response. I really should thank him, he has been so nice to me (even when he becomes unappreciated). Then a couple more responses come in. But the neurotic side of me also starts to think whether it's out of basic courtesy and stuff like that. Which of course I know I should not be thinking like that. But even in Twitter, I am coming to my own conclusion that I am now being seen as just an attention-seeking whore, and not worth @replying to. Have decided that those eerie hour spams are really just attention-seeking spams, and will not do it anymore.

I guess right now I should just concentrate on practices and stuff. I am actually doing a lot of parts for the items. People usually do either the girls' part and the whole group part or the boys' part and the whole group part, but I am doing all three. In both instructors' items. And plus DDC, that's 3 items in total, with like, very little break. I know secretly I am actually damn happy to be able to perform so much (it's the show-off side coming out), I just hope I can take it, and also handle the costumes I need to get. And thus it's also precisely why I hope people can come and watch. It might be the last time I really get to be in such a show and have such a high appearance rate.

Listening to poor Mervyn HTHT a bit the other day, it reminds me of how I like to say that over-teasing will hurt. Friends do it for the fun of it but we don't realise what happens behind the curtain for the two people teased. And I know I am guilty too. I wish I can help him but I don't think there is any way I can. Other than shutting up, of course. And I wonder what happened between J and I last time. I know it's not important to know but I wish I was not purposely kept out of the loop (which of course, I recognise is just for fun but it's the kaypo me coming out).

I really need to re-learn how to read people's intentions and re-learn how I assess situations. It's not about me. It cannot always be me, me, me. But there is no such thing as a mentor that can live in your head.

We learn in gene-environment interactions that the environment can activate genes, and vice versa, phenotypic expressions of genes can affect the environment you will be in. This seems to speak to me as well, what with my choices, behaviours, responses and actions over the last 7 seasons of this drama serial. I moulded the environment to be like this; like reality shows, I made the other survivors hateful of me and wanting to vote me out during tribal council; I pissed the audience off and they refused to vote for me to stay in the competition; I have no one to blame but myself. The director is probably telling me that it is now time for me to exit.

In about a month's time I guess I will know whether my contract ends and I leave the show for good by the end of the season.

"I don't wanna miss a thing..."

Sengedox signing off.

Of I Cannot Dance

2012-01-09T06:30:00.004+08:00

I must also say, I have absolutely zero confidence in my dancing ability now. I look absolutely fucking horrible trying to do Jolin dances. I had to quit the competition before I get humiliated like in the past. I cannot face that.

My friends has endured such horror long enough. I absolutely don't know what I am good at anymore. Other than emo-ing.

Sengedox signing off.

Of I am Hopeless and New Year Resolutions

2012-01-09T05:40:00.005+08:00

I think my friends are sick of my antics already. And I'm really sorry that they feel that way.

Truthfully, I don't know what has come over me the past few years. A few days ago, I was thinking about this issue, and as I was crying, I realised that there must be something seriously wrong with me. With the way I handle things.

And because I don't like to tell others, my friends have not been able to understand me well, and thus they get sick and tired of my temper. And because I don't like to tell others what's going on, neither will they find me a suitable confidante candidate. So I feel like I can't mix in. And then I start wondering and start guessing. My mind keeps running. And in the end it becomes a vicious cycle and I piss everyone off again.

Twin, I believe the tweet about "laughing it off" is about me. I wish I could man. I'm like... possessed or something. I am very paranoid nowadays. Hence the constant emo-ness and stuff. I don't know what's going on, so I construct my own reality, my own story. And this leads to bad things.

I can't stop thinking, even when I go to sleep. My mind wanders to various issues. And it jumps around. And in the end I feel overwhelmed by everything cos I overstretched myself. And then I retreat. I hide. I give life a miss, I heck what should be important and indulge in things I feel I have more control of, such as games like Tiny Tower.

And in the real world, I constantly wonder and constantly wander again.

It seems like I cannot help it.

I'm not even expressing what I am trying to say fully. But I don't know if you or anyone else get it. I feel like I need talk to Twin or Brudder properly but I can't seem to take that step.

I feel regretful that some of these things keep happening. And especially the past few weeks, I do feel like I'm detached in a way, not being involved in some stuff. Hence I get even more paranoid and start my rants.

I'm worried what keeps happening to me during my last year at each educational institution I went to will happen again this semester. People leave me. And I guess we can look at it in a way that there must be something really fucked up about me, that's why people leave me.

I tend to have very ironic views about money as well. On one hand, I want to hold on to it tightly, feeling very pissed whenever I lose money beyond a small threshold (such as being the biggest loser) and thus flaring up and pissing others off and offending innocent parties. But deep inside I know things like this are normal and should simply be accepted. On the other hand, I do not put priority on finding a good job with proper income, thinking about my future, etc. I seem to nitpick on my cents and heck my dollars. It's another sign of my escaping from reality again.

Been feeling helpless these few days. I don't even know how I should face my uni friends. Of course, it may once again be paranoia on my part, but it could also be them giving up on me.

I don't know what to do when school starts. I've been thinking of talking to one of them properly but I don't know how to broach the topic. I think in the end things will simply be buried over, and then we go on with our lives, without me ever solving this problem of mine. I will take modules with twin, eat together, meet the rest at outings or at the soc room or at the library, and I will be fighting a war inside my head all this while.

I don't even know what to classify my condition as. It's like part depression, part mania, part paranoia, part schizo, and part some of the other disorders I've learnt. I probably should get professional help but somehow I feel it is not going to help because I'm not going to open up to a stranger, and I think I should be mature enough to deal with this myself and with whoever wants to be involved.

Sometimes I feel like I am really being unfair to my friends, and am using them. But I'm not! But my mind is too active again. Cents and stuff should not come in among friends.

Perhaps I have enclosed myself too much in my shell over the years, as I absorb what I view as negativities about myself, store it with me and let them accumulate.

I can't even write happy posts like before. This blog has been emo posts over and over for the past don't know how many years. I seem to harp on the negativity of my life. And in the end I become so depressed suicide is something that pops up often. I know that is not healthy. And I know I most probably won't do it. Because firstly, I fear death. Secondly, I fear what I leave behind. Years of wasted effort and money on my parents' part, grief, etc, plus now is not the right time cos I have not repaid my school loan. Haha.

That's why I should learn to let go, learn to not think so much, learn to laugh it off. I also need to learn to trust, learn to confide, learn to express myself properly, learn to not take certain relationships for granted. I need to learn that I'm small, that I cannot handle everything, that I cannot have everything.

Maybe I should make new year resolutions. And the top few should be:

1) Be less late. I need to be late less often, and not as late as before.

2) Sleep earlier. My body clock is now so totally screwed up I really only sleep when I see the sun rise. And all this uneven hours is contributing to my insomnia as well, apart from my overactive mind.

3) I need to control myself more. This is very much about discipline. To put it in an ugly way, I have no discipline at all. Be it procrastination, emotions, etc.

And there are many others. This list will never end.

Now, how should I deal with myself?

I don't know. I think it's just going to be swallowed in again, waiting to burst.

Sengedox signing off.

Of You Know I Know How!

2011-12-24T18:39:00.002+08:00

You don't know I know how~

I don't feel so good about myself right now~

I hate the world I'm living in right now~

I hate the things happening to me right now~

I hate what I am feeling right now~

Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh! Oh, oh oh!

Nothing can describe it right now~

Sengedox signing off.

Of 超乎想象 Fantasy!

2011-11-19T00:47:00.007+08:00

December 15, 2011.

"How could this happen? What kind of luck are we having here?! Damn!" The manager cursed. The male dancer and back-up dancer had been hospitalized due to food poisoning earlier that night. "Now I need one more dancer but even the back-up's down, and the other's out of town! The performance is two days away! Go inform the Singapore side. Let them know we have one less male dancer due to unforseen circumstances. See how they can help us. If not, we may just have to scrape the male dancers part."

The assistant hurriedly called the media company in Singapore that was in charge of the collaboration concert. "Do you have any ideas?"

"Hmm, that is problematic indeed. Okay, I will ask around to see if any dance studios here have experienced dancers who are familiar with her songs, maybe we can find a replacement. If not, we will have to change everything. I will let you know by tonight," said Z, the person-in-charge in Singapore. "What the hell!" Z thought to herself. "Ah Ming! Call all the dance studios now and ask if they have dancers experienced with Mandopop available for Saturday night!" As Z explained the situation to Ah Ming, a conversation she had just weeks ago with her friend surfaced in her mind.

"I think I know just the person who can do the job! I will go get him now!" Ah Ming went to call her friend and told her what she needed. "Please, could you link me up with him now?"

My mobile phone rang. Unknown number? I picked it up, ready to say "No thanks, not interested."

"Hi, I'm Ming, calling from PQRS Media Company. I am D's friend. I understand that you know D right?" "Err... Yes? What is this about?" "Ok, we have an urgent situation here and we need your help. You know the concert that's going to be held two days from now? Where one of the special guests is Jolin Tsai? You are a big fan of hers right? You are going for the concert right? Ok, one of our male dancers have fallen sick, and we urgently need someone to replace him. D told me you know all her songs and the dances, so we think you might be suitable for the job. Yes, you will definitely be paid well for such an impromptu notice."

I couldn't believe my ears. Did she just ask me to be a dancer for Jolin? I... I get to stand beside Jolin? I get to see Jolin up close and personal? I... may even get to chat with her backstage?

OMFG.

"OH YES OF COURSE I CAN MAKE IT. I LEARN FAST JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!"

"All right, our dancers will be flying to Singapore tomorrow morning to meet up with you and teach you all the moves and everything then. You gotta be prepared to practise the whole day and night though! The concert's just two days away! We will see you at the place I mentioned at 1pm tomorrow!"

OMFGWTFBBQCHARQUAYTEOWDDR. WOOHOOOOOO!!!!

***

I WISH. Just a fantasy on my part. If it really comes true. I can just die 3 months after the concert. 3 months, so that people won't say Jolin cursed me. HAHAHAHAHA.

Ok I need to go back to studying... :(

Sengedox signing off!

Of I Can Handle This! This!

2011-10-26T00:48:00.004+08:00

氣候暖化我的心卻在冬眠桃花少到比北極熊還可憐
周末夜沒有半通手機來電跑步機前才找到養眼畫面
不必再control 不必ㄍㄧㄣ愛錯回收
看對眼直接行動這一季將是熱冬

當對的你出現會有暖化感覺
在雪花消失前只想和你熱戀
熱情的擁抱冰山也會溶解
當愛點燃整個冬天

It's gonna be a hot winter a hot hot winter..

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat

别听寂寞糜縻之音别为单身无病呻吟
该换了装心整了型爱情怎能乏人问津
黑发尤物只想爱之有物
浪漫满屋手帕交也兼顾
数只数只纸老虎? 请别来搭讪装酷
黑发的 BEAUTIFUL GIRL 如此独一无二
酷有自我风格独有的丽质本色
妳眼里有天生迷人的琥珀色
当妳觉得热全世界都有点渴
You can handle this! This!
You can handle this! This!

别对爱情生疑心病赔了王子又折了兵
还拎着包 WINDOW SHOPPING 剩女更该进场血拼
黑发尤物最爱护小动物
驭爱有术不抢当大丈夫
假扮宠物吃老虎幸福是囊中之物
黑发的 BEAUTIFUL GIRL 是温柔狠角色

美到魂不守舍让男人三从四德

妳的心有天生优雅旗袍裹着
当妳恋爱了全世界都失恋了
You can handle this! This!
You can handle this! This!

I can handle this!

Sengedox signing off.

Of Life Sucks Take Drugs

2011-09-22T01:54:00.002+08:00

Attributions attributions attributions.

Justifications justifications justifications.

Expectations expectations expectations.

Don't do it.

Or, fuck it.

I can't stand myself anymore. I can't stand this world anymore.

But I semi-promised a friend to control my angst. Must, control...

Since chastity is not even a cherished thing anymore, why don't I just let life fuck me in the ass?

Might as well right? Morals and principles don't count for much anymore. Look at what I'm getting, and what I'm not getting. Why isn't it the same for me?

Are certain things a hindrance?

I hate feeling all these. A change is needed. A change in myself. Something seemingly as drastic as smoking but perhaps less harmful. I may really just do it, but I've not hit the point yet. I spew vulgarities all over but in the end I'm just scolding myself. My life.

The past week... Would you say it's been decent or horrible? Forcing myself to look at the glass half full? I cant even find my glass. I don't know what I'm doing.

Life sucks, take drugs.

Sengedox signing off.

Of Assholes

2011-09-13T01:55:00.005+08:00

(Vulgarities ahead)

I don't understand why you are doing this. Or rather, why your inaction. Your inaction is seriously making me feel so disappointed, frustrated, angry, fucked up. Although all this should not be happening. It all shouldn't matter. You should not matter.

Everything seemed ok at first. Then trouble started to brew that night. I think my intuition was right. You were fucking dropping hints with your stupid stories and whatever shit. And any blind man can see I was pissed.

I can't believe you would actually resort to that. That you're actually such a wuss and can't tell me face to face. I told myself then that perhaps I'm reading everything wrongly, and hence I should just wait and see what happens.

I told myself, one week. One week to see what happens. And it's already 6 days. I don't think I need the last day to figure things out. Especially that fucked up Whatsapp incident that happened 2 days ago. To think I put in effort and initiative some more. And you give me fucked up no-effort-and-thought-put-into-it kind of replies. And then SILENCE.

Like, seriously, what the fuck? I think anyone who went through the same thing as me would really think the same; that you're an asshole.

One really should not pin high hopes on this kind of thing.

Thankfully I've decided that I can't be bothered with you any longer.

Go fugg yourself. I have every right to say this.

":-)" (You and your cheebye emoticon.)

Sengedox signing off.

P.S. Mosaic the vulgarities yourself if you can't take it. And don't ask me what this is about if you know I wouldn't tell you. And no, it ain't what you're speculating.

Of What Should I Do Now?

2011-09-02T00:19:00.007+08:00

Yes, I've not blogged for months. Especially since my laptop died, since I bought my iPhone. So now I spend my time playing games on my iPhone. Even though my friend lent me his older laptop, I can only connect to the internet via my iPhone hotspot, and somehow knowing that, I just don't like to touch the laptop too much.

There are so many things I wish I took time to blog about so that the memories can be immortalized here, like work, camps, start of school, my birthday (didn't feel anything this year, and contrary to popular belief my friends, I didn't emo so stop saying I did, because I really did after you all kept mentioning it in the cards etc! LOL), etc, but I grew lazy. I am getting very lazy nowadays.

The truth is, I face a semi dilemma now. Let's put things into perspective:

1) My current CAP is 3.75. It's exactly in between dropping to a third class honours and going up to a second upper. However, being at year 4 now, one's CAP would not really shift much unless you do super well or super badly, i.e. CAP 5 or CAP 2 that kinda thing. I seriously seriously doubt I would do so badly as to get a third class, hence I feel that I am safe and am going to graduate with a second lower.

However, the possibility of second upper is there. I need an overall of minimum CAP 4.75 over the 2 semesters left to do that. That means a CAP 5 for one semester and a CAP 4.5 for the other.

Now let's be practical. Everyone tells me that IT IS POSSIBLE. That there are real life cases. And they make my resolution to not think about it waver. But I know myself. I CANNOT DO IT. This is not about some pessimistic thinking or negativity working. If I really can do it, I would have felt it and start chionging 3 weeks ago. I know I know, it's not too late, but seriously, CAP 4.5 / CAP 4.75? I need a minimum of 2 A-s and 2 As each semester. I've never gotten a single A in my life and my A-s are probably like 2. What if I try my hardest and only get CAP 4.5 in total or something, and seeing my overall CAP go to 3.98 or something? The end result will only be, I will feel fucking DUI. That I missed it by 0.02. I think that feeling would be worse. Then I will need to do a special semester like Wilson just to get a CAP 4.0.

So because of this dilemma right now, I am currently shuffling between wanting to study hard (and the thought of all the books and readings I should be doing is constantly in my head 24/7) and between focusing on other aspects of my life. I keep slacking. But I have this new idea:

2) Should I focus on dance instead? Like, use the free time left during these 2 semesters, after doing the adequate amount of work required to ensure I don't drop to a third class, to improve my dancing by going for extra lessons outside. I want to learn waacking properly. Vogueing is probably out of the question. And I know I have lots to improve for Hip Hop as well. And I probably want to try Girl's Hip Hop too. I've been secretly imagining new choreo for certain songs that I like, but I know I need to watch more do more learn more in order to be able to choreo properly and execute moves properly. If I use the time to do all these, I think it's achievable.

3) And of course there are all those other aspects in my life that I sort of give up / not think about. Relationships lah (nil still lol), future career, etc. I still have not signed up for any career talks or taken any active approach to send resumes and stuff. I really wonder what am I doing with my life sometimes. No, make that all the time. I have too many things on my mind that are constantly being pushed behind each other and so they keep rotating to my consciousness. It's like a bunch of kids standing in front of a queue / waterfall / etc and they keep running behind each other, not wanting to go first. So my mind's like:

Study - San Guo Sha - Readings - Tiny Tower - That person looks hot - Project presentation - E-mail - Tiny Tower - Mentor - Textbook - Career talks - Dance - SGS - Jolin - Coin Dozer - How come my love life so phail - I should exercise - Tiny Tower - Fix my laptop - Study - Future career - Dance - SGS - Buy new laptop - Tiny Tower - Deadlines - Get new contact lenses - Make new spectacles - Print notes - I hate my life - Hello hottie! - Career talks - Tiny Tower - Return money to bro-in-law - blahblahblah

Yeah, really. It's like that. Excluding food / sleep / whataretheytalkingabout / etc. Even facebook and DotA are out of the picture. I rarely check the newsfeed and I don't play DotA and online SGS anymore because of my computer. SGS is in my mind because I recently got the new expansions, hahaha.

Hence I am always this very confused person with no clear direction in life, cannot make decisions, easily led around, easily distracted, etc.

Seriously, what am I doing???

I guess I should stop procrastinating and thinking so much and take the first step. Like sign up for career talks first. Then we see how. But the question of the elusive second upper is still there. Haiz. The motivation is not really there. No use telling me / myself that IT IS POSSIBLE YOU / I CAN DO IT COME ON DON'T REGRET IT LATER. Sianz. The modules are not the I SEE A POTENTIAL 'A' THERE kind of modules. Yah...

Tiny tower is really fun. But it's also sucking up my life like DotA and online SGS last time, I realised. Meaningless pursuit of excellence that has no real positive impact on life. LOL. I am first in the game among my friends anyway. But what's the use? Haiz.

So many things in my life are so chaotic now.

I think I need to go check on my Tiny Tower now! And I need to get 150,000 coins on Coin Dozer! (I know, fucking meaningless)
Sengedox signing off!

2011-06-07T22:38:00.002+08:00

I've been lapsing into this thinking-about-my-life-so-far kind of mood recently. And it usually ends up in a pretty sombre state.

I may say I like my current life now, with better sleeping habits than last time, with productivity in my veins everyday and stuff like that... But sometimes what others say do jolt me awake, awake from this falsification. What is going to happen after this? What is going to happen after I end my internship? What am I actually doing with my degree? Why am I not doing a thesis or independent study module? What is it that I actually want?

I don't look far. But yet I want things to last.

I want some things right now to last. And yet I also want some things to stop. Immediately.

I can't but constantly push my floating log back into the sea to and allow myself to float, to be carried along, to have no decisive power, to be powerless, and yet I want to stay near the shore. and yet I want to explore what is beyond. And yet I only want a nicer beach. And when I do reach there, I want to go back to floating again.

And then the other nagging feeling keeps coming back.

What should I do?

How come it's during times like this that I will suddenly find that, actually, I have no one I can actually talk to.

I have many friends, decent amount of good friends, a number of close friends, and a couple of what-would-my-life-be-without-you very close buddies, but I push myself away from them and lock myself up during times like this.

No no don't ask. I will say I am all right. As usual. But, please please, just ask. Being able to lie and say "I'm all right" to someone who asks is somehow still pretty comforting.

Helps a bit before I lapse back again.

But don't keep probing. Cos I will be in a dilemma, especially if you fall into some of the closer categories above.

I wonder if I am making the right decisions.

And.. And... And... Ahh. This feeling sucks. Why didn't the car just now knock into me. Haha. MC and hospitalization might just be the change I need. Haha.

A Mei's new songs are nice.

Sengedox signing off.

Of I Like and Hate My Life Right Now

2011-06-04T01:03:00.006+08:00

I guess I can say I like my life right now and I hate my life right now. Life has been very productive and meaningful these 2 weeks, especially when compared to the past, and it will continue to be for quite some time.

I am thoroughly enjoying my internship at WDA. Everyone is very nice and friendly, and they don't criticise. Or rather, I have nothing for them to criticise yet. Except today when I tried to take a nap hahahaha. But I had finished everything I had been assigned to and really had nothing to do... But oh wells. Now I have things to do already so that's good, next week will be another interesting and fun-filled week... IF I can get enough sleep.

Somehow I'm still not getting enough sleep, sleeping by 11 plus or 12 plus. I really need to sleep by 1030 or 11pm latest to get 7 plus hours of sleep. And it is not helping that I really use so much brainpower throughout the day that I really feel tired by the time I knock off work. I really use my brain one okay. Don't count in Sudoku all these lah, although they contributed quite a bit.

Detracting a bit, I'm very proud of myself for improving in Sudoku and also learning to play Shady Puzzle as well as being good in it. The past me would never have expected me to touch such mathematical puzzles and games. Yucks. Well I still hate maths. I only liked P and C and such stuff anyway. But I still get stumped at Today's 4 star Sudoku puzzles. Must really learn the tricks I briefly read online. All the hidden pairs and don't know what.

Coming back, not only do I feel sleepy by 7 (and also throughout the day), I also feel hungry MORE THAN THREE TIMES WHILE AT WORK. It is seriously that bad. I eat breakfast at about 7am, go to work, and start to feel hungry by 10am. So I have to eat some snacks before lunch. Then I eat ravenously at 12pm. Then I feel hungry again at 3pm. And again at 5 plus. Horrible, I tell you. So after about 4 days of work, I told my mum, and she now prepares extra stuff for me to eat at work. And I placed raisins in the office to eat as well. And I still have unopened biscuits. And then there are the biscuits in the pantry. Lotsa different ones everyday, very nice. And then there're the cup noodles... Now you see why I like working there? Hahahaha.

And every Thursday and Friday I feel even more shag and tired because I have Dhops at 7.30pm in school on Wednesdays and Thursday. And today, Friday Friday gotta get down on Friday, I had dance crew practice. I did not go for Wednesday's lesson cos I was feeling unwell. Been coughing since last Friday. But anyway my main point is that I'm very tireddddddd. And I have to keep going for these Dhops stuff because I am the Pub Head and I have to go and take videos. Haiz. Long journeys to and fro. I end at 9 plus and by the time I get home it's 11. :(

And now my com is dying. The screen flickers for no reason. I think the hinges and the wires are quite cui already. Now the problem is really quite problematic, with it flickering constantly every time I start up the computer, as well as throughout my usage of it. I have to spend lots of time every time in changing the angles, tilting it here and there, pushing, knocking, punching, slapping and scolding to try and get it to stop flickering. Of course, 80 percent of the time those methods don't work lah sometimes it just stops. But I get so $^%&*(&^% pissed I had to use cartharsis. Hahahahahaha. And there's no more warranty I believe. And I don't know why I can't find my camera's warranty card to register it. $#^&%*!)

So I like my life and I hate my life right now. But actually there's more to it than this.

(Oh here goes the nonsensical philosophicalish convoluting language.)

There is still this deep dark abyss. I don't dare to face it, to approach it. I intuitively know what I have been doing and what I should not be doing, but I dare not face it all. I am not being fair to those involved. I'm afraid of what's to come if I elaborate it. Is everything really all right? Actually on my part I don't think so. But a facade is put up every time. It seems to work. Of course dynamics have changed tremendously. But I guess this current situation is good enough to get by.

And then there's this other nagging feeling... A feeling that I can feel and it sometimes sticks and doesn't go away. I look around and the feeling must pop out and ambush me. Somehow, the universe must plant all these anecdotes and all these living examples to let me know exactly where I am, what situation I am in, how lonely I am, how I am unable to tackle its progeny. Thanks for the obviousness, I didn't need you to keep reminding me. I know. And it has been like that since I don't know how long. And let's not go into those time periods where critical mistakes that were horrible but crucial to my growth and understanding of myself were committed, where, as mentioned earlier, dynamics were changed. I metamorphosised, but is it really for the better? Evidence and statistics seem to show that that is not the case.

Look at where I am now. Look at my hands. Do you see completeness? Do you see emptiness? And so I crave. And so I desire. But what's the use? Especially if my mind, my brain, myself, constantly battle against itself, resisting thoughts, resisting certain actions. And thus cars zoom by. Doors close. I drop deeper and deeper into the abyss.

And so I went to do something that I rejected all these years. Of course, it may seem like not a major difference, but with such changes, I wonder what am I putting myself into. I know that in the end, some of the consequences are not what I want. But perhaps you can call it an act of desperado. Okay, perhaps not that desperate yet if not I should be out on the streets, I should be taking even more drastic courses of action. And I must not forget the lessons I learnt so far: That this futile fight against the abyss will not bring long-term peace and happiness. I have to know what I want first. I have to approach with my heart as well.

But my heart is, very often, at all the wrong places.

So I should just focus on work, on dance, and on the wonderful books I am reading now. Continue my current productive life. And hopefully, this will build my character into something even more enviable. More resilient. (More fat) More tenacity. More wisdom. And more warmth. And more love.

I need to talk to someone.

你是花花世界里限量般的花花蝴蝶。

Sengedox signing off.

(P.S. I don't like to be taken for granted. I need to feel appreciated. :( But I showed it in all the wrong ways.)

Of Deleted Evidence

2011-05-03T21:01:00.001+08:00

No wonder there was no updates no news no hoohaa over something that I personally feel is quite serious and would garner much attention on facebook.

You deleted the posts!

Nice.

That's the way, huh.

Why do I keep bothering...

Sengedox signing off.

Of Not So Harsh

2011-05-02T02:45:00.003+08:00

So I've decided to edit the previous post a bit in terms of title, ending stuff... Removing the not-so-nice parts. After all, we were friends once. We might still be friends. Who knows? I don't really feel that way either. Words of emotion. But I am angry and disappointed and sad, of course. But no use bringing it too far.

Haiz.

Life sucks take drugs.

I shall see if the camera I am eyeing will be too expensive at the Tech Expo tomorrow. I hope not... :( Below 600 please please please please please. 600 is also very expensive already. But I don't know much about cameras and I just went to research quite a bit. Haiz. The price to pay...

The price to pay for words.

Sengedox signing off.

Of You Don't Have the Right to Do So

2011-04-29T20:09:00.007+08:00

I really did not expect such an answer from you.

I am stupid.

I am really stupid.

Stupid to care for such a person like you.

Thanks, you have proven that you are not my friend.

You have proven that it's not worthy of my effort to spend any more time or effort on you.

Did you really think that getting diseases like dengue entitles you to be so rude?

Have you tried being in my shoes?

Why did I bother writing so much on your wall, giving advice about contacting lecturers and consideration forms?

Why did I SMS you with a long message to explain that I may not be able to visit you even though I said I wanted to, due to exams?

Why did I write on your wall again to tell you I sent you an SMS, thinking that you might not have seen the SMS because you did not reply?

Why did I write again to ask what time you will be discharged so as to know whether visiting you on the day itself is advisable?

What, did the fever burn your brain or something?

You don't bother to reply. The SMS, the wall posts, etc. You have the energy to reply other people though.

Let me guess. You probably informed Mel too, rather than telling as well.

And when you do reply me, what do I get? And you actually think I DESERVED IT? THAT I ASKED FOR IT?

That really went over the top. The second post was really, really disappointing, as if the first one was not disappointing already.

Thanks.

I see where I stand now eh.

Why did I bother so much last time either. It seems that everytime I get worried about you or try to show concern, you slap it back, right in my face. FOR BOTH TIMES.

I guess I should have told you that I know about your ex, eh? That I met your ex? That you dare not tell others?

But you would rather reply your ex than me.

Very nice of you.

But I don't want to be bothered anymore.

There are some people in this world that just don't deserve certain things.

You don't deserve any more from me, and I don't deserve any more of your bullshit.

You think you are very pitiful such that everyone should fawn over you. Getting to eat frog porridge, getting so many wall posts etc etc.

Thankfully I don't rebutt others or get angry even when people don't care about my car accident, minor it may be.

You are not the world.

I am disappointed in you, and in myself.

I should have known earlier.

But you shall still be a friend I treasure, if things work out again.

Sengedox signing off.

Of Lighting Up

2011-04-27T01:30:00.003+08:00

Run by Leona Lewis (Original by Snow Patrol)

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak, I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbyes

I nearly do

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak, I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak, I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Sengedox signing off.

Of Burnout

2011-04-27T01:23:00.003+08:00

I don't like what I am going through now, mentally, physically and emotionally. This is some luck I am having. :(

Sengedox signing off.

Of Schizophrenia Continued

2011-04-17T23:50:00.003+08:00

Ask me!

Why didn't you ask me?!

Why should he ask you?

Why should she ask you?

Why should I ask you?

Why should I ask you to ask me?

You're asking for too much.

I am?

I am asking for too much.

Is it?

Really?

Yes.

No.

But but but but but.

Stop it.

You don't need this!

I don't need this.

Does it reaffirm?

Perhaps.

Well, depends on how you put it.

Change it.

Don't put it this way.

Put it this way:

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter...

Aww come on!

Right ok yes I get you.

Will stop, will stop.

That's right that's the way.

The right way?

Born this way.

Bwahahahahaha!

Not funny.

So what matters is other stuff.

Yes keep telling yourself that.

Yes keep telling myself that.

Yes I keep telling you that.

And I try not to forget.

Good.

It's longer for them.

True, true.

Come on, look around you.

Open your eyes.

Open your heart.

Open your mind.

Doors are closing.

Open them at the next station then.

Get some sleep.

I got too much sleep.

I sleep too much.

You need to control.

I do control.

I control too much.

Then let go of the controller sometimes.

Disasters will happen!

Disasters MIGHT happen.

Disasters might NOT happen.

Positive.

Negative.

Neutral.

Get going.

Locomotion!

You are not getting anywhere with this.

You are not getting away with this!

Can I push these aside?

Sure.

Get back to work.

Okay, okay...

2 more weeks.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Schizophrenia

2011-04-17T00:56:00.005+08:00

Hello over there.

Are you like me?

Do you understand me?

Really?

I need to wake up.

I need to revise, I need to get myself prepared for the exams.

I need to. I need to.

I feel like talking.

Talking to you.

Yes you. Will you listen?

Do you want me to listen to you as well?

Well, if I feel like it.

Is it the same for you?

Only if you feel like it?

I understand... I think.

No, I really do.

Is this listening?

Bouncing off the walls.

Coming back.

Fading away.

What is it?

You know.

Come on, you do.

Stop pretending.

Okay okay all right.

But what is this?

Can you handle it?

Yeah sure.

But what should come first?

You have to figure it out for yourself.

But everything is never-ending.

Take control, friend, take control.

Take control of your life.

You need to grab it now.

Stop waiting.

Stop procrastinating.

Sure... Soon.

There you go again.

I give up.

That's what you would like to say.

You know you can't.

I know I can't.

You did.

I did.

Was it even true?

Was it even real?

What's real? What's reality?

This is.

Get back.

Get back down.

Stop it!

Fine.

Leave it.

You have more important things now.

Everything is important.

Nothing is important.

What's urgent, then.

Fine. Exams.

Then go.

Yes... Yes...

After this.

No!

F*** you.

You don't mean it.

Yes I don't.

Now think carefully.

You think too much.

I do.

I can't help it.

You have to.

I have to... I try to...

Keep trying.

Can we talk about something else please?

You decide.

I can't.

You can.

I can?

I think I can.

Let's go.

Where?

To where it matters.

What matters?

...What matters...?

You matter.

I matter.

Right.

End it.

Ending.

Now.

Study.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Virus

2011-04-08T04:22:00.004+08:00

Get it out of my system?

Hmmm I wonder if that is possible. Not that I really know what my friend actually means anyway.

If it is meaning no. 1: No, I don't think I can! Plus I think it's not possible in the first place. Ridiculous-ness on my part.

If it is meaning no. 2: I shall try... No use persisting anyway.

But somehow these kind of things will come back. Don't like this ambiguity. Ridiculous. It is really ridiculous.

Why why oh why. And if those others can come in once in a while, means something is wrong ain't it. Means it was not right in the first place.

But I have never been right. X X X X Xs all over the place.

But one can only wish.

Need a system restore. Reboot. Reformat.
Sengedox signing off.

P.S. It's Friday Friday, gotta get down on Friday!

Of Handcuffs

2011-04-03T23:11:00.004+08:00

I turn into a slut, a whore, a bitch for a few hours.

But that's all I dare to do or want to do. Only during that few hours I turn into another side of me that isn't really me at a lot of times as well.

But what's the use.

At the end of the day the one who suffers and feels lonely is me.

I shouldn't be emo-ing again, it has been really really really long since I last emo-ed at a horrible level and that was like last year or something. I am really glad I've managed to be somewhat positive about anything and everything that is in my life so far. Whenever I detect that I'm about to lapse into an emo state, I don't let it go to a severe level. I simply refuse to access the emo playlist on my iPod cos that will only worsen things. So I just emo a little at a controllable level and everything will be all right again.

Oh but what is it with me today. It's this roller coaster ride of emotions that has not happened for a very long time. I swear I almost experienced the whole spectrum from happiness to worry to guilt to jealousy to sadness and finally emo-ness. There's anger too. But anger at myself. At what I'm doing to myself but yet can't stop.

What am I doing to myself. I must try to stop this thinking. And besides, I keep telling myself it will all pass.

"Come on you stupid bitch, it's nothing! It will pass! IT IS NOTHING. YOU WILL SOON FORGET IT."

Oh but if only it wasn't like that. I see myself being very stupid the past few hours, and it's... exhilarating, exciting, heartwarming... and stupid. Lots of ifs.

And when the curtains close at the end of the day, all you feel is still stupidity at your own wild imagination, and loneliness left over and over.

Regrets. Lots of them. But how was I supposed to know.

And in the end, there wasn't a need for the emo playlist. The slow songs in my normal daily playlist was enough to get to me.

我被自己困在自己冰冷的手铐。。。
Sengedox signing off.

Of Let's Start the Dance

2011-03-28T03:02:00.002+08:00

I have finally found out what Jolin is saying in the interlude, Let's Start the Dance, in her Myself album!!! To think I use to think she said "people of Asia", hahahaha.

Vogue
Soul train, 1973
Jody Watley, Tyrone Proctor, Fem queen
Glamour
Pepper LaBeija, Paris Dupree
Octavia st Laurent, Carmen Xtrava
Drag Queen

Like finally. Yayyyy. And I can't wait for May 7 to come!
Sengedox signing off!

Of The Next Milestone in Dance

2011-03-28T02:49:00.006+08:00

Oops. It's been more than a month. Anyway, I've been enjoying my lessons at Dhops, and so I was wondering whether I should apply for the committee as well, cos other than being able to be continually exposed to dance, and interact with people who know dance, it also accepts people who are noobs at dance. Like me. Plus the fact that there are subsidies for dance lessons help. Yay.

And I got in. I will only found out next Saturday about which position I got, but I highly suspect it's Publicity, cos they were asking quite a bit about my publicity experience and I had to show them my previous works, even though I tried to apply for Logistics more hahaha.

Deadlines are looming. I slacked away this weekend again, even skipping tuition cos I woke up too late. I feel lousy, don't like to anyhow skip tuition (unlike last time where I give lots of excuses). Plus the fact that this year's an important one for the Sec 4 (NA) boy. And tuition means money, you know. And I was pleasantly surprised when he received 75 marks for his CA1. Wow. Usually he just passes. I don't dare to take credit for it though, although it reflects well on me. Let's hope things continue to work well for him. He's not a naughty boy, just that he needs A LOT OF reminders, even about homework. Woe be me when I go for tuition to find them telling me they did not do my homework. Damn sian, wastes my time.

And, unfortunately, I have broken my clean record of not having vomited due to drinking before. It happened last Friday (not the one that just passed) when I went clubbing with my friends after they asked me. I had a normal alcoholic drink at some pub, drank quite a bit of my friend's vodka lime as well, then we moved on to the club, where, without really asking if I wanted it, they ordered 2 sets of shots to be shared among 3 people, including me. So each of us had to drink 3 shots. I drank 2 supposedly "gu niang" and not-as-strong ones, plus one tequila. And died. Well, not really died, I'm surprised at how uncrazy I was and can be, but all that happened was that my head was super throbby and heavy, and thus turning was painful, and support was very much welcome. I could still walk, and in a relatively straight line too, just that walking also made my head throb. So after dancing for a while I had to quit it and sit at the sofa with my friend who was sober and taking care of those who went crazy (but not crazy as in crazy but crazy) but also me mostly since I was just sitting there. So anyway, all was well until we left the club. Then I had to vomit. Bleaghhhhhhhhh I vomited quite a lot. Yucks. Couldn't stop myself from doing so even though I hated vomiting. But I did feel better after that. Looks like it was a necessary evil.

And I need to get back to my readings. Looks like this sem is a goner too, even though I feel as if I'm only taking 3.5 mods.

Haiz.

I hope you've successfully moved on, as it appears to be.

Haiz.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Distastefulness

2011-02-24T02:38:00.004+08:00

Some people are just lame, bordering on being... distasteful. Haiz.

Please, don't be so arrogant, stubborn and offensive in a way that it turns us off. Yes, US. Not just me, you know. Haiz.

Change this bad habit of yours. I have mine to worry about too, I know, but as a friend, let me just say that we would like it better if you don't always insist on your ways in playing the game.

I did not even do stupid things when YOU were the one who suggested to kill me first in a previous occasion, and everyone did so. I played my part and continued to try and convince people, NOT give up and go against the goals.

And I wasn't even aiming YOU and only YOU. Those kind of characters will surely be doubted. I mentioned two characters. And I did not even do anything after that. YOU started the first blow.

Haiz.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Anything but Studying

2011-02-18T22:44:00.003+08:00

HORRIBERRRRR!

Too slack this semester! And it's all San Guo Sha's fault! Most of it anyway. And Facebook games like CSI and Project Legacy. But SGS is REARRY REARRY FUN!

Booooooo.

But one good thing is I have almost never emo-ed this sem! That one time on the bus was a mild one too woohoo just to be a bit contemplative. Maybe it's partly because I'm doing something that I really like and that's learning dance! Woohoo.

Ok back to facebook games and SGS. Muahahahaha.

Die lah like that.
Sengedox signing off!

Of I am a Rousy Poot

2011-01-24T01:58:00.003+08:00

I am a lousy poot. I am a rearry rousy poot.

I 破功 to the max this week.

I am not studying!!!!! :( :( :( :(

K k never mind, continue to try. Yes yes yes. Don't be a poot anymore.

AND I NEED MONEY. WHY IS MY ACCOUNT ONLY LEFT WITH $13 DOLLARS :(

Poot.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Positive Energy Boom Boom Boom

2011-01-18T02:29:00.011+08:00

Not bad not bad... I'm studying realy early this semester! Yes I have started! 3 readings, not bad already lah... Still a lot more to catch up on though, like buying the I/O textbook, reading it, reading Trauma readings even though I have read two but there are still a lot, catching up on Darwin's autobiography, maybe START reading a bit on Reporting Stats... and I had better consult my friends about Lifecourse and Ageing. Stupid me missed the first lecture by oversleeping, I was like, damn, so fast 破功, to think I told myself to get CAP 4.7 this semester. HAHAHAHA as if possible.

But it's a good start. I've stopped playing DotA for weeks, and recently only played a couple of games when people ask me, but not of my own accord definitely. Even my Might and Magic VI (which actually replaced DotA hence so long never play muahaha) I have managed to get to a stale part where I can just leave it aside first and come back another time and not be too confused about its progress, i.e. not in the middle of some quest. However I've started playing Zuma Blitz and it's sucking up some time hahaha. But my com, being lousy and laggy, lags a lot when playing the game. Sianz.

I have lots of positive feelings today which is very good. Big smiley face :D I feel good about things around me. Or maybe I'm just not thinking about the not so good stuff yet. I even signed up for D'Hoppers classes and so YES I CAN FINALLY START TO HAVE SOME REAL BACKGROUND IN DANCING once I get through the Hip Hop lessons. :D :D Like, finally, after such a long procrastination, even though I still feel very shy of myself when dancing cos I look absolutely horrid dancing Hip Hop in today's open class as I looked at myself. It's hard for long bamboo sticks to be able to "hit" and "whack" and "bounce" and stuff and do it nicely you know. No matter what I have to learn it well since I paid money for it. Damn I can't support so many hobbies. :( Boardgames are expensive too. And I can't get a camera to start on that as well. And I still have not picked up those drawing pencils that are gathering dust to start drawing again. And I should start reading again! I mean, non curricular reading. But boardgamessssss I likeeeee but who can play with me even if I buy the games I wanna buy like Arkham Horror Betrayal of House on the Hill Bang! Dominion Intrigue etc etc etc etc etc. So many interesting games and they all cost a BOMB. :( Need a sugar daddy hahahahaahaahahaha. No really. I need one. :)

Next thing I should probably start changing is to sleep earlier. Haha. Sleeping at 4am or even 5am 6am 7am is just RIDICUROUS. Yes. Ridicurous. Not ridiculous. Rearry. Erm anyway yes I should probably go back to sleeping at 3am 4am instead. At least a slight improvement. Even though I'm not going for anymore 8am Reporting Stats lectures. Did I mention I went for the first one, Monday, my first ever lesson of the semester, first ever lesson of the week? My first ever 8am lesson in my whole varsity education? Wasted my time sia. No wonder my friends told me that there is no need to go, just study and you can still score. I like. :)

Today as I was listening to Only Girl in the World by Rihanna, images of myself making a youtube video out of the lyrics kept surfacing in my mind. Like how I would do "Want you to love me, like a hot pie" and "Be thinkin'of me, doin' what you like" and "So boy forget about the world, it's gonna be me and you tonight" and "I wanna make your bed for ya, then imma make ya swallow your pride" completely chockful of sexual innuendos and stuff to make it (the video) super interesting and hopefully funny. As in it's just supposed to be funny, like, you're dirty minded that's why you're laughing that kinda thing. I wish can do that. Can someone help me pleaseeeeeeeee but I think people are just gonna be disgusted. :( But why are songs nowadays so suggestive anyway. But it's all good.

And I want twin to help video me doing my Jolin dances leh. I really need to record them down. And maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, MAYBE upload to Youtube or FB and see what people say. Muahahahahaha. But really. Twin or somebody (whom I am close to, mind you) help me please. And we can make it awesome by doing a few takes at different places, angles, in different clothes, and so it can totally become an MV. Absolutely orgasmic thinking about it. But aiyah who can help me.

But these ARE the things I like. I really wanna be able to do them. :D

Aren't you all glad you all are finally reading some post that is not emo? Me too!!! I hope this keeps up, albeit I don't know how long though. :D :D :D

"Want you to make me feel, like I'm the only girl in the world!"
"Tonight we're going ha ha ha ha ha hard, just like the world is our our our our our ours, we're tearing it apar par par par par part, you know we're superstars, WE R WHO WE R! We're dancing like we're dumb dumb da da da dumb, our bodies going numb numb na na na numb, we'll be forever young young ya ya ya young, you know we're superstars, WE R WHO WE R! DJ turn it up up up up up up!"
"Gimme your satisfaction! I need your satisfaction! I want your satisfaction! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! Action! Ah ah ah ah! 你和我在这场戏！Ah ah ah ah! 超乎想象 fantasy! Action! Ah ah ah ah! 爱就是本能的瘾！Ah ah ah ah! 沸腾我们的 party!"
Sengedox signing off!

P.S. Looking at news of Jolin's successful 3 day concert in Taiwan MAKES ME SOOOOOOOO PROUD AND CAN'T WAIT FOR HER TO COME TO SG IN JUNE SO THAT I CAN PARTY WITH HER AND SING WITH HER AND DANCE WITH HER AND CRY WITH HER WOOOHOOOOOO :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I LOVE JOLIN!!!!! <3 <3

Of The Vicious Downward Spiral

2011-01-10T02:27:00.006+08:00

Sometimes I think about whether it is me who is sorely mistaken about the whole thing and creating a vicious downward spiral for myself, whether my intuition was horribly wrong, whether I was blinded and missed out critical information.

If that was the case would it be good? Maybe. But, things as of now will still remain unclear in this messy bubble. None are willing to pop it. Things escalate out of hand. It becomes facebook facebook facebook. And I've certainly experienced this with twin before. Thankfully we resolved that one. But for this one I do not think it can be resolved in the same way. (No I'm not talking about you twin I'm sure you know hahaha) But maybe it's all in my mind.

I really do not know what I should do. But it is true the hurt's real. The fault, even if it's not yours, ain't mine either.

Why can't I get ready to go to school without feeling apprehensive over everything. What if awkwardness comes about. Do we both lie and pretend nothing happened, happy faces smiling at each other, especially if other friends are around? Then what do I do with the hurt? Bury it? That's unfair to me. Let it out? What if I was wrong? What if I had thought too much, and everything was just me, me, me, me, me?

I will become like Yang Nian Qing (Jeanette Aw) of Breakout soon if things continue like this.

Why must 2010 end like this and 2011 come like this? Of course, all my friends gave me warmth, joy, happiness, fun, love, and whatever else that makes me smile and not jump out of that window. But this nagging thing is stuck there. Right deep in the heart.

And it was all because I cared.

Fuck myself.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Utter Shattering

2010-12-20T05:43:00.003+08:00

Tonight, I was utterly hurt, injured, shattered, broken, murdered. I suffered heavy losses. My ego, my self-esteem, my sense of self, my identity, everything that I know and wanted, was flung out of the window.

Never had it felt so bad before. I know that it shouldn't matter, it is so superficial, it is not important, and people will tell me that too. But even knowing that doesn't help when obviously this is how I think and this is who I am. It's a bit like Need for Affiliation, Need for Control, Need for Intimacy thing I learnt in Psych. So different things are important to different people. So no matter how hard I try, it still hurts, very very badly.

And by right, if it was a sole incident by itself, it would still be bearable and okay, not like it hasn't happened before. But, when trigger number two came along, it was the finishing blow.

It shouldn't have mattered. And knowing that extra bit of information doesn't matter also. That one is not the point. But the care and concern that was, like, differentiated and treated differently, that was painful. I hope there were good reasons. I should try not to anyhow think too much. But the damage is done. The previous event was painful enough anyway.

It totally sucks. I do not like how I feel right now. I wish people like kY were beside me. Things would have been so much better.

Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper-thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Ignite the light, and let it shine? Is there one?
Sengedox signing off.

Of END OF EXAMSSSS UMBEHH and PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANCING ON RAINBOWS

2010-11-30T01:37:00.005+08:00

It's overrrrrrrrrrr. Like finally. Such a gruelling week. Even though it could have been much better had I been more consistent in my work, and started revision earlier, and not have so many off-days due to my inability to study at home.

All the usual excuses that appear sem after sem after sem. I can't seem to change hahaha. But this semester, studying at home was really almost not an option, I somehow could not peel myself off the computer. This was also partly due to the fact that I did not feel scared for the exams at all, all the way until the night before my last paper (yesterday), or rather, in the morning, where I started panicking and worrying. Hence, no fear set in to make me get away from the computer. Haiz.

But I did study, and I did try to study as hard as I could. I manage to sort of cover much of the syllabus for each module, and I manage to answer the questions. Whether they were correct or not is another matter. But I did find out that I have quite a number of different answers from my friends whom I am quite sure have higher chances of being correct. I just hope I can get mostly B+ and above so as to push my CAP up even by a little. Maybe I might not even need to S/U that E-Commerce module! Which I hated by the way. But I have to admit, it was useful.

I panicked like mad for Soci of Power. I could not finish reading the readings. But in the end, the questions that came out weren't exactly very abstract or super chim. I could do all! Or at least, I meant that I could do the number of required questions for each section. But disgustingly, the word limit made me have to think hard of what I would want to put in. 4 paragraphs maximum for an essay question? Damn. If I did not take that long to think, I would have been able to leave the exam hall early instead of missing that time by 12.4 seconds. And hence waiting another hald an hour. And squeezing with others. And enduring the rain. And seeing the bus being too full to board. And changing plans. And finally arriving at the movie theatre late and missing the first 5 minutes of Harry Potter. Sucks. And it sucks even more that I only had 2 hours of sleep, from 8 to 10am. I am damn freaking tired now.

BUT YAY EXAMS ARE OVERRRRRRR TOMORROW I AM GOING TO BRUDDER'S HOUSE TO PLAY GAMES AND PLAY WITH ALMONDDDDDDD YAYYYYY

PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANCING ON RAINBOWS~

And I have to pay tribute to the videos that have took up my time, made me laugh, made me relax, made me constantly go into repeat phrases with Eric. And to immortalise them further so that they will be easier to find, I shall put them here. And they are the Miss Universe videos. Great entertainment they are.

First up, Singapore!

Disgrace. I don't whether it was the editor's fault or did she really stupidly use the same answer for two very different questions. She's not even that pretty. And the whole emotional level and superficial level thingy is turning out to be quite, well, superficial.

"I think on an emotional level, it'll probably be, like cliche-sounding, but its really like the love and care and support that I get from my family and friends, cos they really keep me going on through thick and 'theen'." My friend says at least she elaborated on thick and thin later on by saying day to day and tough situations. Hahaha.

Next up, I only just found this one: Czech Republic!

Stop looking at her cleavage! Haha. And her interview's like, really short. She doesn't sound very intellectual. And the sounds are like... -_- But wait till you hear the rest...

Introducing one of my favourites, China!

"I wish men, in China, wourd, buy mor, respectfurl." <---WOULD BE MORE RESPECTFUL
"Shoes, durberine, yol, a long wei." <--- I THINK SHE SAID EARRING. OR BURBERRY. I'M NOT SURE
"I'm naiteen no baad date."
"Owwwww." <--- WTF HAHAHAHA
"Uhgnnnn. Ugn ugn uhgnnnnnnn." <--- I HAD A HARD TIME FINDING A WAY TO SPELL THIS!
"Puang tiuuuuuuuuu." <--- MY FAVOURITE HAHAHAHA WITH SPECIFIC HAND MOVEMENTS TOO HAHAHA
"Uhgmmmmeeeeeeeoooooo." <--- A VERY FORCED COW
ONE OF MY FAVOURITES!!!!! AND CHECK OUT THE YOUTUBE COMMENT, "WHAT KIND OF ENGINES DO THEY USE IN CHINA?" HAHAHAHAHA

Next up, Indonesia. Really bad.

This one, obviously is not very good in English. Not to blame her, but the things she says are massively misinterpreted! All you need to listen to is the first answer. Because she's very beat-around-the-bush-ish. But the sound effects are worth watching too, simply because SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS ROCKET LAUNCHING AND ENGINE STARTING.

"I think that when you down, women can make you up."

Oh my god.

AND DEFINITELY ANOTHER FAVOURITE, SRI LANKA. THIS DESERVES HD WATCHING. I DON'T CARE. IT'S JUST LIKE THAT.

Her answers are so..... not Miss Universe level!!! And the way she says them!!! The uncontrollable head movements! The chuckles! And how there isn't the bad date question! Why?!?!? Arranged marriages?!?!?!?! And to top it all off, THE SOUND EFFECTS OMGGGGGGG

(Upon being asked a very serious question) "Don't cheet woman? Hehehehehehe."
(Upon being asked a very serious question) "My brother geh me, dem jeans, I rike it, ut, it's very sweet." <---- Denim jeans
"Errraooowww."
"Urrgghhhhhkkrhhhh." <--- MACHIAM ENGINE FAIL. PLUS HEAD ROTATION IN Z-AXIS
"Chhhhhssss" <--- No problem with this one BUT I LIKE HER HEAD AND HAND MOVEMENT
"Hehhehhehhehheh, hehhehhahhaoheow." <----- WUT, NEW HYBRID LAUGHING SHEEP?
"Umbehh, umbehh" <----- THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE. UMBEH? A COW GOES UMBEH? But I give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe cows in Sri Lankan language is "umbeh". And Miss Korea says Korean cows go something like "ummeh". BUT IT'S STILL FUNNY. AND COUPLED WITH...
"Muek muek muek." <------ THIS ROBOT, WITH THE WEIRD COW, TOTALLY SETS ME OFF. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AND I THOUGHT CZECH REPUBLIC WAS THE SHORTEST VIDEO.

Ah well. No offences to any nation whatsoever. It's not like I'm against them. See how many thousands are laughing at them! Next time, send better contestants!

And to end off, here is another video!

:D

HOLIDAYSSSSSSSSSS
Sengedox UMBEHHING off.

Of So Many Secret Crazy Thoughts

2010-11-23T02:35:00.005+08:00

This afternoon was productive! I actually did serious work at Coffee Bean at Expo for like, hours on end. But of course my brain imagination would stray ever so often. Like about whether the person in front of me was good looking or not. And whether those people are rich. Walau, iPad. And whether the girl behind me would shut up and stop talking about her Chemistry paper. And how many hours does that guy at Coffee Bean work since he gets to close early at 6pm. And how come at 7.45pm he still has not finished closing up the store. And why his colleague is not helping him. And where that smell is coming from. And whether that girl far in front is secretly glancing at me and having interesting thoughts. And whether me mouthing the lyrics to Jolin's songs would be seen by her. And whether that guy behind me was following me to the toilet for a reason. And what I should eat for dinner. And etc.

But anyway, I was also thinking, I need to make my blog happier, like it used to. The days of YQUCC and stuff. So fun.

I need a revamp for it. I said I will change the blogskin when the new album came out (Butterfly, Jolin). And now the next new album, Myself, has come out and I still have not changed it. :(

Ah well. Exam starts in about 14 hours. And I have not finished studying for tomorrow's paper. Which is not a big deal because it's E-Commerce. Like, whatever. But I am quite worried for Peadiatrics and for Group Dynamics. Those two really die, die, die, die. And I have not even started on Power. :( This semester, procrastination to the max. TO THE MAX.

I need to... do some soul searching and hopefully morph into a happier person once again. But to do that, it means I have to relapse into denial. Which, learning from Peadiatrics, is not really a good coping method, haha. But, ah, whatever.

What should I do for the holidays hmmm.

And I really suck at studying at home. Efficiency 16%.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Emo Back in Full Force

2010-11-02T01:43:00.006+08:00

Emo feelings are back in full force today. I think it was largely mediated by the talk I had with kY last night and the talk I had with Brudder just now. Sianz. They know what I'm emoing about.

It's a stupid reason, a stupid topic, really, but one can't help it sometimes you know. And it sucks. It just shows that everyone has needs. And I really do think I'm gonna die a poor sad lonely death. :(

Should I be like the rest? Or should I just die like this. Hahahahaha.

The bus 10 trip didn't help either. Not only was it a bit slow, the refreshing scenery different from MRT rides, plus getting to sit alone, plus the choice to face outside without people standing in front of you, made emoing all the more viable.

I really don't get why I am such a fucked up person 94.6% of the time. Like, really. This semester has just been horrible in terms of doing work, contributions, consistency, sharing the load, etc etc.

I've lost that little self-control I had the past few semesters. And it ain't good.

And with the stupid emo issue, things are worse.

And I hate handling money. I have not finished settling the money for Brudder's and Wz's birthday, and I've given up on properly settling Esther's and Ah Tiong's one. Large sums, plus different amounts, plus many many people, plus people not paying, plus under-budgeting, plus overbudgeting, plus overcollecting, plus adding more people, plus plus minute people, plus etc = FUCKED UP MIND AND IRRITATION TO THE MAX. And I don't like seeing my account drop to one digit or two digits. It never had to be this way. Where is the money I had?

Hate it. I don't want to organise or be the one to collect money or buy presents anymore.

I need that piece of my life, that puzzle piece, to fly in and fit in right now. It will help I think. Or maybe it will just spiral my life totally out of control, and all the way downwards into the abyss that I've been avoiding. After all, I've been making many many stupid decisions recently.

Jolin's new MV did help quite a bit. And watching 百万大歌星 where she's the special guest helped a bit also. But as usual, Channel U cuts out a lot of parts which I remember watching on Youtube. Fucked up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMR4Dv2nK4Y

Ah well. A few more weeks to examinations. Let's see how I will die this time. Ominous feelings lurking everywhere. Must get through these 2 weeks first. Must do my parts.

I really wish I can talk to someone. Properly. About every single thing. I really wish I have someone who will come approach me with the purest of concerns and salvage me out of this mess.

I am damn fucked up.

只是小伤口那又为什么随时碰就随时痛
Sengedox signing off.

Of This is Wrong

2010-10-20T20:37:00.002+08:00

I don't know why. But I think I'm on heat. Not heaty and kenna fever that kind of heat, but horny that kind of heat.

This is bad.

Like, seriously.

Haiz.

And, I know I have not been talking to you nicely. It's like why is there such a great change to me right?

I also don't know why. I subconsciously just don't talk to you nicely. My bad. Sorry. Sorry. Bery bery sorry.

I need help. Haiz.

I'm horny.

Sengedox signing off.

Of I Miss Those Days

2010-09-28T23:32:00.004+08:00

I couldn't stop smiling as I looked at all the photos of my JC class. Neither could I stop smiling looking at the NSRV photos. The same applied for all the BBT photos.

How I miss those days!

Sengedox signing off.

Of Lost and Detached

2010-09-04T01:01:00.005+08:00

And so it is.

I have finally stepped down from the committee.

And I cannot help but constantly ruminate about whether I made the right decision.

I kept telling myself and some others that it was for the good of the society; we needed new blood, and there just wasn't enough places to go around, even without me fighting for one.

But I cannot shake away this feeling of loss, of detachment, of losing a family that I have become so used to and grown to love.

Sure, I can keep going back to the room, I can still hang out with all of them, etc etc. But everything has changed. Everything will be different now.

And it's not like I have other stuff to keep me busy. Through a twist of fate, I couldn't even make it for Dance Blast auditions on a previous Wednesday, like how fate decreed that Ivan could not make it in time to try for the organising cell no matter how we tried to stall things. And everytime I become the one playing the bad guy, like in Infernal Affairs, just to make things proceed and to make things fairer.

And I constantly wondered whether I should have tried for some position, any position, since I do not mind all. Why am I trying to be all holier-art-thou and thinking of self sacrifice? After all, Nat, Nessa and Shu joined the society once again for the 3rd year, I could surely do the same.

I really cannot shake off this saddening feeling, even though there should be comfort taken in knowing that the soc should be better off without me, and that I have Ray, Jacky and Fuzhi whom all did not run again.

But I do not think they have this nagging feeling like I do. Everyone has a more colourful life outside. What kind of colourful life can I have?

Unless I go for D Hop beginner lessons, 3 weeks after it has started. Quite a waste of money since I am starting so late, but I guess it can afford me a sense of identity, something for me to anchor myself to, especially since I'm losing it all ever since school started. Why does everything not go correctly? I wish I knew about the D Hop stuff sooner. I wish Dance Blast auditions were not during my birthday. I wish I did not have to run around settling stuff for the AGM that day as well. Even then, I probably won't get in.

And now with many more modules that I am independently doing, be it labs, lectures or tutorials, I feel so helpless and so far behind.

Maybe I should just let it all go, all the morals, the uptightness, the whatevers, and be like some of my friends. Satisfy other aspects of my humanity. Lust after the things I want to. Heck care all the insecurities and inhibitions.

But can I? Even after all that has happened?

Probably all talk and no action. As usual. I shall continue on with my stupidly fake life and continue to turtle and hermit away.

***

And your keen intuitions scare me. It is very scary how you can find out and know about all the different things, about everything about every other person, even when no one tells you, even when people do not say anything, even when people do not plan on saying anything, even when people are not ready. Somehow you can just find out, you can just sense it. It creeps me out. I do not feel safe. I do not know what about me is safe from you like this. I can imagine a very smirk and evil smile on a little imp with large jagged teeth, as it poses in a corner all haughty and smug, its little wings flapping occasionally, giving me the piercing look to let me know that it knows things I do not, it knows things it's not supposed to know, and it's ready to spread it all around, and the blackmail is everpresent.

***

And I am fucking hungry now. Ordered food for 65 people and all I got to eat was one chicken wing and one eclair for the popular stuff. When only about 30 plus people came. And due to transport constraints I could not stay for supper. And I still have 2 long days to endure. Just for the sake of money.

I am fucking tired.

Just gonna stand there and watch myself burn. And everyone else can just do the same. I don't have someone around to extinguish the fire anyway.

Sucks. Life sucks. I suck.
Sengedox signing off.

Of 解散爱

2010-08-18T01:09:00.003+08:00

This is a damn nice song.

解散爱 - Jolin 蔡依林
作詞：葛大為 / 作曲：陳威全 / 編曲：Martin

被問了整晚你怎麼不在朋友難得狂歡
我苦笑隱瞞放任他們猜不知情不責怪

熱鬧散場躲回安靜的床
快窒息的心慌沒改善方法
不愛
你說分開都是為我著想
用忽略解散愛太牽強
世界被你劃成兩個方向
一邊是我一邊是天堂
要我更樂觀勸我再去愛很像你不意外
這一種野蠻名字叫關懷別拿來代替愛

清晨陽光晒不進我心房
我比誰都好強你太清楚了吧

別愛
你說分開都是為我著想
用自由解散愛太逞強
遺忘讓人輕盈得能飛翔
我不是你想去的地方
愛越拉扯越疼痛不再搶救好聚好散假裝灑脫
我們太善良連自己都騙不過
我愛
你說未來很長一切難講
放棄了解散愛別勉強
我的幸福你決定不在場
還是演不好我的體諒

Sengedox signing off.

Of Raggerfied and Lazy

2010-08-16T23:36:00.007+08:00

As usual I'm always very slow and lazy in updating my blog...

Rag has come and gone. Finally I participated in it after being asked for three years running (bhb) but I really enjoyed the process and the performance. The raggers are all really nice people and I really enjoyed all the times I spent with them, practising, cleaning up, joking, dancing, HTHT-ing, etc. Of course, stress piled up as well, and at one point more than half of the people were seriously in a very sucky mood, including me, and quite a few broke down for various reasons, including me again hahahahahaha noob. Some had problems with dealing with both the rag stress and the stress from their halls, others had injuries, and others had to deal with some clashing of personalities and unhappiness. But I am glad we all worked hard and came together to give a performance that was definitely more than decent. Of course, it ain't the slickest of moves, the cleanest, the most together, or the nicest of cheer stunts, but I seriously thought we did well. I hated myself when I stepped out of the red carpet thingy since people told us that that meant minusing a lot of points, but ah well I got over it. After all, WE WON BEST FLOAT DESIGN. WOOHOO. AND WHAT'S MORE, MEDICINE WON NOTHING. After all, they were super cocky this year due to last year's great success. SO I AM HAPPY STILL WOOHOO. I did help a lot at the float too leh I think.

With rag I was not able to join O week again and hence I do not know the new freshies. Anyway I feel really old so yeah it's okay, rag was seriously fun it was probably a, erm, better replacement? But I was still the OLDEST in rag dance, sian. Super old can. But I guess I camouflaged well hahaha. Some of them really believed I was a freshie woohoo.

Because of rag, now I'm thinking of trying out for dance blast once again with some of the ragger freshies. But I keep forgetting the fact that I look ugly doing hip hop. Anyway I couldn't go for the dance marathon thingy on Saturday which was like open classes for every single dance CCA under CFA and just now was the Dance Blast welcome tea which I could not go nor knew about as well. Haiyah. Not fated lah really. I might fail at the audition AGAIN after all. Sucks.

Speaking of dancing, Jolin's new album is out WOOOHOOOOOOOOO YAYYY WHEEEEEE but I have to wait quite a while for the three albums with three different goodies that I pre-ordered from Taiwan to come. 145 dollars. BOOMZ.

WOOHOO new dance to learn. But Vogue is SERIOUSLY SUPER HARD. I still cannot do splits and now YOU WANT ME TO BREAK MY ARMS. Jolin you win already. Actually I should have started planning earlier upon finding out about this particular voguing competition. First prize is 10k USD, followed by 5K USD I believe. I think I would stand a chance if I prepared early enough. Last submission of video is 31 August and plus need people to go like the video to have a higher chance. HAIZ SIANZ GIVE UP. I don't have enthusiastic friends anyway. It will be super hard to get people to help me video, edit, do with me, etc. Excuses. Haiz. HAIZ. I seriously wanna emo now. Cos you know I like this kind of shitty AA stuff. And in her second video she is suddenly more open about being more revealing. Wow. Maybe cos she takes part in a lot of the production now. She has the assets anyway. Some of the other songs are really nice too, especially the emo ones!!!

I really want to do the video!!! Lazy.

Zhenghong, bon voyage!

Haha one line for him.

And school has started but I have already missed 3 lectures. I seriously should F myself in the head. Seriously. One of them is a seminar some more. I cannot start new semesters like this!!!!! How will I every improve my CAP by 0.2 if I continue like this. I really need to wake up leh. Both literally and figuratively. Haiz haiz. Especially since I am not joining back Soci Soc anymore. Need to spend more time on my books. Roar. And once again, I am taking mods I do not like. F YOU CORS.

AND I NEED MONEY. I swear my money suddenly drop A LOT over the past 2 months. Freak shit. I need to save up again. Especially if I wanna go overseas with my friends. =(

AND I HATE MY PHONE. I REALLY HATE MY PHONE NOW. It turned from love to hate. It sucks to the core now. =( I should really get an iPhone. =((((((( BUT I NEED MONEY BOOOOO.
Oh people if you seriously thought of getting me a phone for my birthday (not being bhb here but I am being serious), please think twice. Cos I will really feel super super paiseh for people to spend a lot on me. I don't know why, I get the feeling it will cost a lot. I think me getting the phone myself "feels" better. Don't know lah. Maybe it's cos I get to "check" it also hahaha. I don't know what I am saying. Ignore me. Really.

Enough. I need to... go play DotA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I wanna emo and ah duo mo tong de ling wu again.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Chances

2010-07-22T03:47:00.006+08:00

I realised I find my sister getting more and more unfamiliar. I've not seen her for sometime, even though my parents did so last week. I do not know why but I suddenly had this aching feeling, like I just lost almost 23 years of chances. Chances at what, I can't seem to describe. But suddenly things look different.

It suddenly just came. No wonder my friends will suddenly want to cry when they feel their lives suck, or something goes wrong, or they come to a sudden realisation about what they have been or have not been doing. And everything cracks. And everything breaks.

Cos I did.

This sudden surge of, being the only one in the world, the feeling of loneliness, is actually pretty fucking unbearable. Why?

And, and,

Am I really trying my best? I really should learn to focus better. But are there things that you do that I do not realise and do not appreciate? I tend to only think of the other way round, for no matter who. Are there things I do people do not notice? Why can't I stop being so selfish and think of it the other round?

Why do I forget to say thanks?

But, but,

...

(Try harder, Sengedox.)

Sengedox signing off.

Of Jolin's New Song 即时生效

2010-07-13T13:32:00.002+08:00

I can't wait!!! And there are previews of her other songs. Like finallyyyyyyy... And to think I'm slow by one month, this was aired last month hahahahaha.
Sengedox signing off!

Of I am Old

2010-07-13T01:57:00.003+08:00

After another 2 camps, I really do feel that I am old. My voice cannot last as long, my stamina depletes rapidly, and I need a lot of sleep. Haiz.

But Soci Camp was damn fun. One of the best ever I would think. Even though this time the bulk of freshies and councillors weren't people we knew beforehand and pulled from our OGs in Arts Camp, we still managed to get a decent number, making it like a real camp.

And everyone enjoyed it a lot, I would dare say. We even hired a professional photographer and his photographs are really nice. I can't wait for all to be uploaded. I cannot wait to reach 6000 photos!!!! Hahaha.

I really hope the baton can be successfully passed on to the next generation. Just worried that not many want to continue staying in the society, especially the year 1s going to year 2.

But ah well. Good job well done to the 2 PDs Eric, Fuzhi, and the rest of the team Jacky, Mervyn, Natania, Wilson, Weizheng, Munchee, Nessa, Cheryl, Ray, Tzehao, Vicki, Shu, Avril and me!

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now~
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now~
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now~

This song by Lady Antebellum is nice. Don't Forget the Lyrics rock!
Sengedox singing off...

Of I Can Die Happier Now

2010-06-28T01:47:00.003+08:00

Arts Camp 2010 is finally over. From deciding to crash only 1 day to become 2 days, 3, 4, and in the end I went all 5 days. What the hell. But ah well. I figured they needed my help. Plus I wanted to camwhore and be an attention whore again.

And we did it.

S House. Best house. Once again. WOOHOO!!!

And what's more,

Song Bo, my OG, BEST OG. OMFG.

I cried on the spot. Shit damn malu but I really didn't expect it. I thought it will be Jaren's OG again for the fifth time cos they are super pro.

I guess it doesn't matter. S house one heart most important. S H O U S E in my H E A R T.

I can die happier now.

But I also don't want to die now.

Why soci-rious?!
Sengedox signing off!

Of to Ling Wu

2010-06-16T03:43:00.002+08:00

我们的爱若是错误
愿你我没有白白受苦
若是真心真意付出
就因该满足

领悟 by 辛晓琪

Who lives by the above statement? But is it so easy? Is it so simple? Haha.

Ironic that this actually comes from a sad song and the next line is 啊多么痛的领悟~
Sengedox signing off.

Of Which Way is the Ultimate Way?

2010-06-14T18:17:00.004+08:00

"They say we can love who we trust, but what is love without trust?" (XL's status)

Hmm.

So complicated. I make everything so complicated. Because of me things cannot be simpler. Yet some things cannot be denied. Yet everyone has a point.

So this screen between the door and stepping out to try... Is it a good screen or bad screen?

Somehow I can't seem to articulate very well right now. Or today. Or this period of time. I don't know. But as society would dictate, I probably should be the one doing something. But do what?

Neither way is exactly right or exactly wrong.

Why are things like that? But then, things have been seemingly fine all along. Maybe one shouldn't ask for too much. What if the decision will prove to be wrong by time?

Haiz.

I don't think 领悟 and 征服 have been sung with more passion than yesterday night, haha.

Walking on the spot.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Tongue-Twisting Twisters

2010-05-20T18:30:00.001+08:00

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4fqqr_dr-seuss-fox-in-socks-animated-book_fun

From OMG Facts:

"The Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" has the Guiness World Record for toughest tongue twister.

Here's some more tongue-twisters (careful, these are tough): "Can you can a canned can into an uncanned can like a canner can can a canned can into an uncanned can?"

"The seething sea ceaseth and thus the seething sea sufficeth us."

"Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie."

The sign language version of a tongue twister is a "finger fumbler". "Good blood bad blood" is supposed to be a hard sentence to sign and say, making it a tongue-twister and a finger-fumbler.

So interesting! And so long since I've blogged!!! My life is very interesting right now. Let's see, I'm playing Bejewelled Blitz, Facebook games, DotA, Final Fantasy III, and am sleeping in the morning everyday! It's so interesting.

Boomz.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Influence Has Great Influences

2010-04-19T00:45:00.004+08:00

I wonder if I have the ability to make major impacts in people, to cause great rifts, to inspire great changes, to influence people and their thinking, to spoil relationships, to inspire new ones, to make people laugh from the inside, cry with their heart in pain, ponder about their existence, and question their own decisions.

I always believe that every single thing we do can have a profound effect on something else just that we do not know about it. The craziest and most seemingly out-of-the-world way to illustrate this would be like, donating $1 to a beggar, who uses it to buy a lottery ticket and wins first prize, collects the winnings and in turns invests in a business and manages to get out of poverty, but along the way uses unscrupulous means to earn money, causing a family's breadwinner to go bankrupt, lose his job and the family to break up, and hence the unborn child died when the mother fell down the stairs when she was in great distress and did not look properly, causing a young lady to send her to the hospital and realise the importance of parental love, goes to her parents to say I love you only to find out she is adopted, and... You get the idea.

So the introduction of friend to another can cause things to happen. The arugment between people can cause thigns to happen. The decision to go somewhere can cause things to happen. But to look at things less physically, it would be things like the temperament of one can effect changes in another. The personality of one can nurture or sour relationships in themselves or others. The outlook of life of someone can have an impact on another when he or shi is ruminating.

I wish I had Shu's optimism and trust.

I wish I had Esther's zest for life and energy.

I wish I had Tzehao's motivation.

I wish I had the maturity, responsibility and love and care that Rally and Brudder have.

I wish I had Shiming's positivity and leadership.

I wish I had the hardiness of some people even if their lives aren't exactly perfect, like Vally.

I wish for too much. And so much more.

But everyone probably has their own envy of others too. And the people above surely have their own problems too.

I do not think people will want to wish for my (over) sensitivity, my temperament, my pettiness, my procrastination, my stubborness, my incomprehensibility, my emotionality, my negativity, my pessimism, etc.

Maybe my legs. Even then, there are better ones.

Ah well. When will Jolin have her next concert... When is her next album coming out...

And will our dynamics never be the same again? I think so. Some things I did not manage to articulate out, not going to again for fear of backlash, but not going to be forgotten. It will just be me, me and me again.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Spiralling Downwards

2010-04-15T19:21:00.005+08:00

Before I say anything more, I must stress that the following is not meant to be a guai lan kind of reply, the kind like "Okay okay my fault fine you win" kinda thing.

You do make sense, you really do. And I know what you mean when you say I'm not being fair to my friends when I say or do those things, or even being fair to Eric. At some point I would have thought about that, as you can guess about how I ruminate and ruminate constantly without ever moving on. And judging by the number of typos in your post, I can tell you are really pissed.

It is really easy to say, move on, stay stronger, stop all these, and I really do try sometimes. But I'm just maladaptive. And I'm not saying that as a sort of excuse, like "I'm weak, I can't run, blah, I suck, I'm useless, so there, I get to sulk and act pitiful now right" kind of thing. Rather, it is a kind of statement. That I'm maladaptive. I think I have always been since young. I really, really, really think that I'm not cut out for this world many at times. Not everyone is strong enough to live through life like how most of us do. Some of us chose the easy way out, and I can sort of see why they do. Yes, they are not doing anything right.

Suicide has always been considered something deviant, and all the talk about it hurting friends and family I am all too familiar with. But there must be compelling reasons why some people are driven over the edge. And just to make it very, very, very clear, no I am NOT playing the suicide card as a trump card to make you feel guilty. In case you didn't know, I have been thinking of it BEFORE the incident. Just that the incident makes it more salient. So it is not your fault I am feeling suicidal, rather it is my own INABILITY that is making me suicidal.

And all those things that you have said, I know, I feel, I understand and I do feel guilty and stuff. And yet the negativity still persists. I do feel I have let people down. And this is probably one of the reasons why I always have this lingering thought that I should just get away from people. Even if it becomes painful to me and (initially) painful to others, I do feel and think that I am becoming a negative influence to everyone. I am seriously doubting my "usefulness" or existence on this earth. Hence perhaps it is better off if I were dead and stop causing so much harm, hurt, pain and confusion to people around me. Dying now and causing extreme pain for a while would perhaps be better than eternal torture till the people around me die. And if people are sick of me and get away from me before I commit suicide, then perhaps they won't feel so much hurt. But that isn't an excuse to be a fucker to people, I know.

So is it really taking it too far? Yes it probably is but people, those that have done it and those that have contemplated it, do not think of it as a solution immediately. It is when my life has delved too deep, that suicide suddenly seems not-so-far-off.

And so, the overall point of this passage is, I am hurt, but at the same time I've managed to hurt many others as well. I don't feel good about it, and neither do I think things will get better. Hence the S word is popping up more frequently nowadays. And somehow, I refuse counselling.

You're stronger than me, good for you. Your twin whom you have stopped calling twin is not, and plans to continue falling deeper and deeper in this abyss. And I have not answered S's calling because I have been giving serious thought about the right timing. Yes, there's such a thing as right timing. Although now seems pretty good so that I wouldn't have to go through exams, but I was thinking, I want to go to Soci Camp, go try out the Arts Ambassador thing with Wz, and hang out with the NSRv once more at the chalet before I take that final step. Maybe even have sex but that's not an issue now. Ironic right, that I still want to participate in certain Life's activities. But after those few perhaps I can leave. But that's me.

It's like the Rootless Tree chorus, just without the fuck you part. Leave it, and let me out.

Does that clear things up better?
Sengedox signing off.

Of Hurt

2010-04-15T03:28:00.007+08:00

You don't get it. Or you chose not to see it from my point of view. And that is what is puzzling. And that is what hurts the most. Cos we take so many mods together, we are psych majors, we take PID, etc etc, and yet this is what you say. That I'm not one of those "who loves you". That I'm one of those who is out to hurt you. That I'm one of those who simply only cares for what I feel and rather make you cry. That I'm not one of those who don't quietly support you. That I'm one of those who don't bother to know you. And that is what hurts the most. That was one of the deepest stabs, the deepest wounds in my heart. Of all people, I did not expect you to say that. It hurts even more than when he said those stuff. Because obviously you mean more to me than him to me, which I know isn't the same for you, but the fact that we have become so intertwined in our lives, with all our talk of sibling-ship, each word has even more weightage. And this was probably also why you were hurt?

But yet you seem to think that only you have problems. That only you can cry. You know, I envy that you get to play the victim, the hurt girl, you get to cry, and so many people will come rushing to you to comfort you. They post on your wall, they write comments, they tag in your blog, they MSN you, they SMS you, they talk to you over the phone, they talk to you in person, etc etc. And during those times you feel loved. Makes our relationship seem like nothing isn't it? How many times have you received much needed comfort from the girls like C and H, from him, whenever you cry over your problems? How many times have I received much needed comfort?

Do I get to cry? Do I get friends whom I can tell stuff? And you may think that my status gets me attention, I have people writing on it, even people whom you would rather not get close to, etc etc. But can I tell them stuff? No. I'm envious of all the intimate talks you get to have. I don't. I had to release my anger, my hurt and my pain somewhat. And it was truly what I felt when I wrote the status. Cos obviously you people didn't bother to spare a thought for me. Now it seems that the status has hurt people. So people can hurt me, and I can't hurt them back?

But what is this all to you? I'm just a person wallowing in self-pity? Great. Of all people, it had to come from you. And to think it was you and others who told me that I was a high E high N person. And suddenly my so called outburst was considered petty and temperamental. But is it, really? I know I have always been more sensitive. But isn't that me? And why can't I be sensitive over things that I deem important, that words of that nature can hurt me easily? Why did I get so worked up over what seemed like a harmless joke to you people? Was it really a harmless joke? Did you people even bothered to think twice about how I would fucking feel? And it wasn't even the first time. The first few times, I gulped the pain, the anger, the emotions down. All I ever did was to pen it in this post:
http://sengedox.blogspot.com/2009/10/which-should-be-more-correct-when-close.html
So was I supposed to take it lying down again? In fact, I do not think it was the second or third time either.

And the reason the incident hurt even more was because you participated in it as well. As if that comment from him wasn't enough, you had to add your own. At first, I thought you were defending me. "No he does not dance like that." But I did not expect the next few lines which induced so much raucous laughter from the rest. How was I not to feel insulted, not to feel hurt, not to feel pain? There and then, I was trying to find the proper word to describe how I felt. If only I had thought of the word sooner, I could tell it to you, you could have sensed it, and you would have stopped. But instead, me fumbling and getting tongue-tied over the word at that moment only seemed even funnier and harmless, didn't it?

Who spared a thought for me?

Have you stepped into my shoes?

No you didn't. Cos apparently now you put all the blame back on me. I was wrong to feel angry huh. I was wrong to be seething in unfairness and chose not to talk to you people huh. I was wrong to post the status. I was wrong to even have any sense of anger, to feel pain, to hate, to be dejected, etc etc.

And to think I always feel guilt after I have one of these outbursts, which isn't really a physical outburst somemore. I did not scream and shout. I did not even demand an apology. Why, shouldn't an apology be damn obvious? But will he say it? No. And then I would feel guilt. I would not want to lose the friendships that I treasure. I try and make things seem normal again by writing on walls and stuff, sharing jokes, etc. I have always been doing that. In the end, after each hurtful incident, I beared with it, I swallowed everything down, I act like I am on normal terms with people again. I bowed down in humility that was not meant to be. And so this time I wrote on your wall to make things seem less serious. But you chose to delete your comment instead.

I'm not even sure whether you understand how hurt I am. I do not know how to stress it further. Am I suppose to cry now? Cos I think you will just blame it back on me again, as some petty childish person who sadly was once you friend. And I thought I was one of your closest friends. I was wrong.

Supposedly I have judged you. But did I, really? And isn't judging what you have just done with all of the above?

I don't even know what kind of relationship we have anymore. But it takes two hands to clap.

And who can I cry to? Who can I talk to? Yes, I was somewhat glad that I got to talk to Wz that night over the phone, but she is still only an outsider. And I cannot become vulnerable and start crying to her, telling her everything, etc. After listening to me, Wz can't even help me.

I am still alone. And as if I was not alone enough, now I have one close friend less.

It really looks like the heavens are really testing me, to see when I will really go and suicide. As if the recent thoughts are not enough. As if the planning of writing final letters to each and everyone was not enough. Continue on like this, and I will not be able to hold up my defences much longer. I will break down soon. Death is really, really an easier way out of all these. I can't bear with all these much longer. My psychoticism and neuroticism is really taking over me. And maybe it is the right thing to continue to try and piss people off and make it seemingly my fault. This way, I have less people upset over my death and my funeral when I get to it. Makes the world a better place.

And to think all I needed was some understanding. You get to hurt me, everyone does, but I trusted you to not be one of those who do. But you did.
Sengedox signing off.

P.S. And what's going to happen when we see each other? Simple. I bow down again. I go into the frienship once again as if I was never hurt. Whether you will reciprocate, I do not know.

Of Enough is Enough Sometimes

2010-04-13T23:09:00.003+08:00

It just doesn't occur to you does it? I know. Cos it has always been like that. Too rational. Too computer-like. Too non-emotional. Too apathetic. To almost everyone that is the case. Everyone else, or maybe particularly me, is just a piece of shit to you, below you, low in the hierarchical ladder of your great awesomeness.

How long more can I bear with this I wonder sometimes. WHY am I bearing with it for so long, too, I often wonder as well. The first post of a similar incident was already the first threshold, and I thought that should be all. But no.

And I know, you will never understand it. Or that you will never think that there is anything wrong. Cos it's just you. That's your way of life isn't it?

Every expression, every comment, every resistance, every scowl, every disagreement, every rebuttal, every insistence, every noise, every irritance, I can bring to my mind easily. Why is this so?

The world revolves around the sun, my friend. And we are not the only galaxy.

I believe the right decision for me is to stop putting myself in a situation where my self-esteem gets stepped on by people I had deemed important, ever so often. A situation where I have to gulp down my insecurities, my unhappiness, my pain just to accomodate the situation, accomodate the bigger group, accomodate the outgroup, satisfy normal human social psychological reactions. A situation where any other resistance, reaction and action from me will just result in a backlash, in a backfire, in something that in the end only I myself suffer from.

Sadly, it doesn't end there.

And to my dearest, dearest, dearest, dearest friend, I think you have a good enough companion who treats you well enough. Let us be more independent from each other from now onwards. I believe I shouldn't take up precious time.

And if you're wondering, no, it ain't aimed at you. Not totally at least.

And will the person who found my calculator please fucking give it back to me. Or will my calculator at least stay in the com lab till I go find you again.

What a fucked up day today has been. Even the drinks machines don't like me.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Praying

2010-04-13T00:40:00.002+08:00

There's this guy called Loh Ying Jie who is in critical condition now due to a freak accident while jetskiing in Phuket, and his friends have rallied a lot of people to pray for him using a Facebook event. Evidently from the event, the family (or maybe just the poster but I believe is the former) is Christian and hence asks people to pray for him to get well and get out of critical condition. There're a lot of "Dear God" posts on the event wall as well.

So I was wondering. Now these people are praying to their God to help Ying Jie, to "move within him and even give him life", to show His grace, etc and make Ying Jie survive through this period. What if, choy choy choy ok, but what if, he doesn't pull through? Cos based on the updates it seems he is really not doing well and chances are slim. So we have to face the reality. And if he really does not pull through, I'm guessing that suddenly all the prayer posts will turn into "He has gone to be with God, to be in a happier place", "God has chosen to bring him closer" and stuff like that.

Ironic, much? So when the prayers don't work, or wishes are not answered, the views change? He will always be in a better light. Hmm. Not lambasting the religion here, just a thought that I will not understand.

Anyway, I will also pray, with no particular higher being in mind, for Ying Jie to pull through and at least be slightly better. And that his family will be able to survive this. Medical bills are crazy. May they get the help they need. There is no need to join the event to do this.

Now I need prayers for my universe test tomorrow. =(

Sengedox signing off.

Of SenGaGadoX's Tip #83

2010-04-11T12:44:00.007+08:00

HARROW! Yeah it's me SenGaGadoX! This post will not be by that emo SenGedoX about emo stuff and how emo he is and how emo his life is and how emoing is important to him... BAH! TO HELL WITH THAT! I'm here to give you a random tip of the day cos SenGedoX is busy emoing somewhere else and hence it's my turn to SHINee!!!! WOOHOO GET IT? SHINEE?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I will be posting these random tips bi-randomly on random times on random days on random computers about random stuff! So random I totally don't know what I'm writing HO HO HO HO.

SenGaGadoX's Random Tip #83 : How to Maximise your Bus Concession

So you have bought a bus concession and all you do is to take more buses than usual, not bothering to tap your EZ-link card and stuffs like that and you thought you were maximising your concession usage. Are you? COME ON OH PLEASE HARROW THAT IS LIKE SO BASIC ONLY LEHHHHHH WA RAOS. Let SenGaGadoX teach you another tip that will possible save you precious time and make you feel happier! You will find out why!

So let's say you are like me, just ended tuition at Pasir Ris, near MJC and the new Livia condo, and there is only one bus that goes back to your place, 39. The next best bus is 81, which goes to Tampines interchange, hence it is still not convenient. So you wait. And wait. For the dumb bus which just left. Or some of you consider taking any bus that goes to the Pasir Ris interchange 3 stops away so that you can take the train, and STILL have to walk home. Aiyou so leh cheh.

So actually what you should do is firstly, think about the route of bus 39. As you ride on it, are there other buses that goes the same way and sends you home back to the same bus stop, even if they are only available at other bus stops and not at your current one? WELL YESSSSS!!!! YESSS!!!!! *Cue drums and flute*

So what one can do is to actually consider taking bus 81 as well, because it sends you all the way to TPJC, where that bus stop has more buses for you to choose from, so instead of only waiting for 39, you also have 59 and 17 to board, hence effectively cutting short your waiting time!!! Unless you are really that suay to wait and wait until the 39 actually comes. Then too bad lah not SenGaGadoX's problem, is you noop, your plan was BUSted. GET IT, BUSTED?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

But is that all?! IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!?! HARROW NOOOOOOO!!!!! THERE'S MORE!!! You have 3 buses to take at the TPJC bus stop, but at the next bus stop, the block 201 one, you have more right?! So what are you gonna do?! YES THAT'S RIGHT! WONDERFUL! You get on any bus that gets to that bus stop, so that you can have more buses to wait!!!! At the 201 bus stop, you now have 8, 17, 18, 28, 39, 59 to choose from!!! OMG THAT'S DOUBLE THE NUMBER!!! THAT'S LIKE GETTING A FREE UPGRADE FROM MCSPICY TO MCSPICY DOUBLE AND WITH HOT AND SPICY FRIES, FOR THE SAME PRICE!!! WOOHOO!!! NI KAN KAN!

So from the original number of 1 available bus only, you increased to 3, and then to 6! OMGGG LAO TIAN LOOK IT'S A SIXFOLD INCREASE!!! WHERE CAN YOU FIND SUCH A GOOD LOBANG WOW WOOHOO!!! It all sounds too good to be true right?!?!?! It's true!!!! (But actually, other than the 3 buses at TPJC bus stop, only one extra bus, 9, goes from there to the 201 bus stop but doesn't bring you home. So if you really had to take 9 to get to the next bus stop, you must be really suay. Orbeegood.)

And that's actually still not all!! I suspect that there are 1 or 2 buses at the original Livia bus stop that do not turn into Pasir Ris interchange after 3 stops! This means, you can take those extra buses, get down at like 4 stops later, and TADAH, I think you now have bus number 3 to bring you to TPJC as well!!! WOOHOO AWESOME FREE UPSIZE LIKE TOTALLY!!!

So why would you feel happy? Just imagine the joy of boarding a bus, casually tapping, and moving towards the exit door, and getting down immediately at the next bus stop!!! People on the bus will be like "WTF THIS BOY BOY / GIRL GIRL SO LAZY AND SO RICH HOR, NO NEED TO TAP SOMEMORE, MUST BE FORGET, ORBEEGOOD WASTE MONEY" when actually you are um-chioing at them!! HO HO HO HOW PROSSS!!! ZHEN DE!!! REMEMBER TO TURN BACK AND HUI2 MOU2 YI2 XIAO4 AND LAUGH AT THEM!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

So I hope you have learnt a lot from SenGaGadoX on how to reduce waiting time and make yourself happier by maximising the usage of your bus concession!!! THAT'S RIGHT! LOVE LOVE!

SenGaGadoX GaGa-ing off!

Of 半桶水

2010-04-01T01:53:00.004+08:00

I know it's a very evil thought, but actually I was initially half expecting that your piece of work would not be fantastic. I thought you were not good at such stuff and hence I was expecting mediocre work. Such thinking had arisen from me always wanting to show what I can do instead. I always thought that I can do it. That I will be able to do it. I have all these ideas in my head, all so nice. I look at pictures, thinking what I can do with them. I imagine my poster to be such a splendid piece of work that people will praise me and make me feel good.

But I realised I can't. Actually I can't do it. I can't photoshop. I always thought I can but I think it is time I faced reality. I produce fugly posters. It has always been the case in my previous tenure. And this time, when back at my old post, I realised I can't do it. And to think that initially I was so hyped up, and so frustrated at the same time, cos I could not start on my ideas due to my photoshop not working. No matter how I uninstalled, re-installed, re-downloaded, downloaded other cracks, etc etc, CS4 just would not work. Perhaps it was the feeling that I would not get to show off my imaginary talent. I was so angry.

And then today I saw your work. Amazing should be an appropriate work to describe it. It is as good as Serene's or even Carol's though I cannot remember right now Carol's works. I always wondered how do these people seamlessly put things together and make them blend so well. You rose above my expectations. Of course, I am very proud. And feel extremely guilty that I should have doubted you. I am sorry V. Not that you will know.

And feel extremely inferior. Cos right now, as I finally successfully open an older version, CS 3, and try to create another equally stunning poster, I realised that I can't. It just would not turn out well. How do I pull these things out of my head and on to the canvas, the computer, the paper, the white space?

I feel so lousy right now. I think my 半桶水 photoshop skills on editing images (and not in the most economical way too) can no longer bring me through the demands of current requirements and projects. In fact, it is not just that, but rather the acumen, the insight, the ability to know which is good, better, the ability to know how to blend certain things, use certain images, or fit certain things together.

I simply do not have the aptitute.

I suck.

I wish I had a proper full length training on this.

And the sucky feeling will of course extend to my other equally 半桶水 drawing skills. Once again, I always imagie myself being good at it, and that I can shade decently well, and that I would be able to draw and shade and create art pieces (not of the Picasso Da Vinci sort of course) that I would be proud of. Simple things like drawing the scenery. Or people. Life-like stuff. Or even comics and cartoons. And I give myself the excuse that I ain't doing so well because I do not get to practise as I have no time (excuse) and no proper stationery and materials.

I should stop deceiving myself and others. I cannot be in the design department.

My world is crashing down. One of my passions is not meant to be.

And I have not even started on my dancing. And singing. Shit, come to think of it, I am good at nothing. My best ability is probably procrastination.

What am I doing on this earth? I should just die.
Sengedox signing off.

Of I'm Not Ready.

2010-03-25T21:16:00.003+08:00

You scared the shit out of me.

I was not prepared at all. And I think I will never be.

How was I supposed to face you after that?

I swear, my balls shrank.

And I could not do anything after that. My mind was clogged up, all the worries, concerns, delusions, etc that I had stored were released from the dam at that instant, overflowing and flooding everything. I lost all my senses.

I wanted to cry but I could not. Nothing would come out.

I thought about all the different scenarios, endings and interactions. Hoping for the best. Justifying every single detail as much as I can. It was the only way to save myself from jumping off the building or taking a knife as an excuse to end the so-called suffering, the sins, the torment.

I reasoned with the imaginary.

That it is not my fault.

Drama unfolded in my brain. I looked at myself as if watching a soap opera, all the ups and downs and climaxes and endings.

My heart kept aching. And aching and aching and aching. I could not think properly as I bathed. As I curled up on the bed. As I laid in the opposite direction. As I worried and worried and ruminated and ruminated. Until I did not know I fell asleep without switching off the com. I did not even play any games that night.

Tuition the next morning was unbearable. I even dreaded waking up cos I did not want to face reality. I was worried what was going to take place. At tuition, the clock ticked ever so slowly, every moment so excruciating.

I dared not go home. Was it still a home for me? I considered all options and possibilites. School? Some friend's home? Permanent? I did not wanted to continue the walk. I stopped. And started. and stopped. Hesitation grew with every step. The canal looked so inviting.

Surprisingly, the day was not as I expected. It did not come.

So what exactly took place? I am not too sure. But I was definitely shocked out of my wits.

And I dread the day when it will finally come. One day.

I cannot run away forever.

What will I do?

It. Is. Not. My. Fault.

Not. My. Choice.

But.

I am still Me.

Can you see it?
Sengedox signing off.

Of 3 Weeks

2010-03-15T23:56:00.002+08:00

It's been 3 weeks.

Will it become 3 months? 3 years?

Depending on what you think I'm talking about, some of you will say OMG. Some yes. Some no.

Hehehe.

<3<3<3. I'm falling deeper everyday~

NO LAH. My finger has been numb for 3 weeks. :( *Cries*
Sengedox crying off.

Of The Key

2010-03-02T00:28:00.003+08:00

If you ever receive the key from me, will you re-read through all of my past posts that were encrypted, that were coded, that had sly meanings concealed, and all so very much related? Will you put in the effort to understand every single facet, every single worry, thought, desire, want, manifestation, concern, emotion that I had felt at every single, painful, excruciating step?

Much like daggers, glass pieces and spikes sticking upwards on the floor. Much like burning hot coals laid in front of me. Much like land mines placed in absolute proximity within each other. And what I have are chains tied to my feet, such that neither big steps nor jumps are allowed.

I do not think there will be anyone, anyone other than myself, who will put in the most effort in understanding myself. But that should be expected isn't it?

Why do other people's problems seem so much more pronounced, easier to catagorise, easier to elaborate, easier to seek help for? Why does mine seem so insignificant and yet the most significant thing ever?

Will there ever be anyone I can give the key to?

It seems so much more bleak suddenly. I feel the darkness closing in. I dare not close my eyes.

And,

It is spreading to my second finger.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Need

2010-03-01T00:37:00.000+08:00

I need love :(

I need a polarity. :(

I need obviousness. :(

I need resolution. :(

I need clarity. :(

I need guidance. :(

I need similarity. :(

I need

Sengedox signing off.

Of House IC Choosing

2010-02-28T09:12:00.007+08:00

Did I mention? I don't understand why Shi Ming was not even ASKED if she wanted to try for House I/C. I know they have interviews and stuff hence being asked will not mean you definitely will get it, but WHY DIDN'T THEY EVEN ASK HER SO THAT SHE KNOWS THERE IS AN INTERVIEW, WHEN, AND THAT SHE CAN THINK ABOUT IT? Like seriously wtf you know, I'm damn unhappy about it.

Why didn't they ask Esther also. They never ask me I sua already, never mind, cos I know I ain't good enough in the first place, so it's okay, just that that I was hoping they can at least ask me then I can say I don't want, cos it's quite an ego booster. Anyway I would only want to do it if my partner were to be Esther (or maybe Shi Ming also can) cos only they can be complemented by me, since usually you need 1 male and 1 female, and that usually the male is the gregarious, loud, able to hold attention one and the female is usually the support, secondary one who is not as loud. So with Shi Ming and Esther, they can be the loud and be the main character while I be the support. No other guy will be able the take up the role well like me if it were to be Shi Ming or Esther cos 2 people trying to be the main one will only cause conflicts and stuff. And it will be such a waste if Beh Beh was forced to be more quiet. Come on, we know where her forte lies.

So anyway, I do not even know who this Lai girl is. I mean, I heard she was best freshie or something last year. It's not her fault and I'm definitely not against her, just against the fact that my two darlings were not asked. They will be such good candidates! I don't know what the Club is thinking. Haiz. Peebs was a natural choice I understand, they (and many others) already regarded him as the one to choose since like, Year 1. I support Peebs too cos I know he can do it. I just hope that he will be able to control his temper (and knack for daring to do things that shouldn't be done, such as taunting).

Now I really don't feel like going back to Arts Camp. Which is might as well. I should go look for internships.

Sian, now I'm doubly emo. Ego boost not received, Ego bruise, a very big one. Ouchhhh. And I get reminded of the sian-ness I felt when we didn't receive best OG during Shi Ming's time. Haiz.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Ego Bruising, Tick Tock

2010-02-28T08:51:00.004+08:00

It's been quite long since I've had my ego bruised like that. Neh neh pok. So emo-y.

Why arh why. Why liddat?! Things usually do not happen that way.

And now I am regretting it. Feeling so kns now. And I still have so many things to cover for my 4 tests.

(To the tune of Keisha's Tik Tok. Tried to follow the lyrics a bit as well hahaha)

"Wake up in the morning feeling like a piece of shit.
Got my glasses on but my eyes can't even open an inch.
Don't want to leave, brushed my teeth, I'm going back to sleep.
Cos when I sleep for the day it's gonna be so deep.

I'm talking grogginess in my head head,
Worriness in my brain brain.
Tests until next weekend end.

Stupid numbness in my fingers gers
Truckloads of notes to rehearse hearse
Trying to get a little bit... studied...

Nabeh, KNS, song is getting vulgar right?
Don't know how else to rhyme,
Hence this is what I will write!
Tick Tock on the clock,
Can I finish studying? NO!
Ooohhh ohhh oooh ooh~~ Ooh ooohhh ooh oohhhh~"

I'm so creative, I can come up with lame lyrics like this in 5 minutes just like that. Pop.

But I'm still emo. HAIZ.

Save me, kY!

I need divine intervention for my 4 tests and 1 one proposal!
Sengedox signing off!

Of the Real Matrix

2010-02-21T18:03:00.004+08:00

I don't want to go back to school tomorrow. Not with all the undone stuff. All the looming work and essays and projects. Looming lateness for school every single day.

And the most fearsome of all, the scheming matrix that I'm trapped in that I'm semi-enlightened to but my poor friends are not. I don't want to be tricked into the wrong LTs again, or tricked into thinking some piece of coal shit is gold again, etc etc...

But I don't mind seeing my friends ho ho ho.

I swear it was never at LT 12!!!
Sengedox signing off!

Of My Condolences

2010-02-17T03:44:00.003+08:00

As one celebrates,
The other grieves.

As one wears red,
The other wears white.

As one tries to gather good fortune and prosperity,
The other tries to ward off misfortune and evils.

As one one laughs in joy,
The other cries in despair.

As one takes their most wanted out of packets,
The other puts their most beloved into boxes.

Indeed, there are 2 sides to a coin. Never an easy task to comprehend and understand how the other must feel. While one tries to be sensitive, he also cannot ignore the spoils of joy he deserves, that he shares with his family, relatives and friends.

But I cannot forget the scary thoughts I had, and I am very worried.

How can one be able to handle it?

If it were to be me, breakdown would be inevitable.

You have been strong, and you must stay strong. But that does not mean you cannot seek help. Crying and wallowing in self-pity will not mean you are weak.

We all need help sometimes. A hug, a helping hand, a shoulder. This is one of the most trying times, and one of the most appropriate for all of the above.

Like what Sociology always teaches us, social support is very important.

We are here for you, to nurse your fall and bring you back up standing again.

My condolences.
Sengedox signing off.

Of SHINee 2nd Impression!

2010-01-30T03:23:00.004+08:00

Okay, after quite a bit of Googling and Youtubing, I realised that this boyband ain't that ugly or lousy after all. It's just the MV. Look at them from their very first MV!

Alamak, so young sia it's so wrong hahaha. The guy with the eyeliner use to look sooooo okay and not bad looking. But the current poodle-haired guy who looks the youngest, I still don't like haha. And the current long haired guy is actually very good looking, even Nessa and Mel are swooning over him, haha. He is the one who appeared in the Gee MV of SNSD!

All Ying Xin's fault for introducing them to me. Haiz. SHINee is coming! Haha. But I'm not a fan lah. Just that the Ring Ding Dong song is stuck in my head! Aiyou.

Funtastic. Elastic.
Sengedox signing off!

Of RIng Ding Dong, Disappointment of Confirmation

2010-01-29T02:29:00.003+08:00

This the current song that some of my friends are currently going crazy over. I'm like... Errr... The first time you hear it, it's damn weird right? Ring ding dong, ring ding dong, ding ding ding ding ding ding ding! But I guess after a while it gets catchy.

But I don't get why they must computerize the voices so much, especially that of the guy at 0:40. The one who looks among the cutest liao. They cannot sing meh? For the overall effect of the song? I think it spoils it leh. But it's still a catchy song lah. I seriously don't find the guy at 0:33 good looking at all.

Ah well. Maybe when my friend finishes learning the song I will go learn from him.

***

The dilemma had come back. Or so I thought. Maybe I actually revel in the ambiguity, in the possibilities, in what dreams and nightmares are made of, the power of imagination. All the possible endings and consequences come knocking on my mind whenever something happens. At yet, I do not know whether to turn the door knob or to walk away. To open the door or to lock it.

But yet, a few days ago, it became undeniable. Even with all of it in front of me, nothing stirred. What a disappointment. It became apparent how I was, and am still, constantly cheating myself. Perhaps it was a sufficient way to deal with all of it, without hurting anyone. Any steps that I might have taken may end up disastrous. How deplorable. And yet, I still harbour those thoughts of What Ifs.

I hate myself.

And I must start waking up on time.

Ring ding dong.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Decent Results, Disgusting CORS

2010-01-09T23:56:00.006+08:00

So I've not blogged for super longgggggg..... Sorry! I realised that this December holidays has been quite busy for me surprisingly, cos besides going out with friends, I got a temporary job at my brother-in-law's place!

Well basically what I did is what he call cataloguing/cataloging/catalogueing/however you spell it lah. As his father's company handles construction cranes and the machine parts, what I do is to take these machine parts and what nots down from shelves, take photographs of them, count their number, take note of the part numbers, manufacturers, and record everything down in an excel sheet much like an inventory list with pictures, but for his own reference. What's not so fun is that the machine parts are oily. Really really grimy, greasy and oily. It's those black oil kind that comes with cars and stuff. My hands turn black so easily, I wash them like, many times a day. Of course, I should have started using gloves earlier hahaha. But what is worse? The machine parts are heavy. Like damn damn damn damn damn damn heavy. Especially some which are simply unmoveable. And some are even placed at top shelves, making things even harder. What's worse? There's a lot of them. So I get shagged out by the end of the day.

It may sound like a sucky job, but other than these, it's actually a super good job. Not only is lunch provided, I also get 10 per hour. And my pay is rounded up. I work only 7 hours a day, and yet I get 100. Woohoo. I know you are jealous muahahahaha. And some days I don't even work the full 7 hours. I can request to leave earlier. And some days, I don't work! I just inform earlier that I cannot come on that day cos I am going out. Super duper flexible. Of course, I will feel paiseh lah, like taking advantage of my brother-in-law. But I try my best to do a lot, and now I'm left with just one shelf which can be completed in I think less than 2 hours, but school is starting and I don't know if I can find the time to go back.

I am also pleasantly surprised by my results this semester. I really did not expect myself to do so decently, especially with Abnormal Psych and Developmental Psych. I swear, for these 2 mods, I really struggled for the final paper, and I thought I would have done badly. So, one possible explanation would be that everyone did not do fantastically well too, so the bell curve helped me. HAHAHA.

I received

A- : Singapore Society
A- : Soci of Family
B+ : Abnormal Psych
B+ : Developmental Psych
B : Social Psych

CAP this sem: 4.2 (Did I count correctly?)
Overall: 3.8

Wah I finally hit my target for, erm, first sem. HAHA. Sianz. But it's still a good improvement for myself. I wonder when can I hit 4.0. I need to hit that so that Honours will seem so much more worthwhile. Quite disappointed with my Social Psych. I thought I can get B+ for it. I guess it's also the bell curve's undoing; everyone else did well also.

Which is why, recently, I haven this super rare and oh my god so-not-me moment, that perhaps I should try and work harder this sem and study at the airport more often, since the short last minute 1 week of cramming with Nessa and Shaun at the airport during reading week seemed to work really well for me. But I have a crappy 5 day week timetable again this coming semester...

Speaking of this semester, I am damn irritated with CORS. Students with minors like me are suffering greatly. I wanted Soci of Gender very much, but I could only start bidding for it from round 2A onwards. And guess what? Minimum bid went up all the way to 1500 points. The highest bid was 3000+++. Absolutely disgusting! So I couldn't get it. Then came Round 2B, where Soci of Deviance, my second choice, opened up as well. Both went for over 1000 points again. WTF?!?!?! I can't possibly spend all my 1200 Programme points on one minor module and ignore my future mods?!?!?! So I cannot get it again. Then today was 2C. ONCE AGAIN BOTH MODS WENT FOR OVER A THOUSAND. WALAUUUUU #Speaking of this semester, I am damn irritated with CORS. Students with minors like me are suffering greatly. I wanted Soci of Gender very much, but I could only start bidding for it from round 2A onwards. And guess what? Minimum bid went up all the way to 1500 points. The highest bid was 3000+++. Absolutely disgusting! So I couldn't get it. Then came Round 2B, where Soci of Deviance, my second choice, opened up as well. Both went for over 1000 points again. WTF?!?!?! I can't possibly spend all my 1200 Programme points on one minor module and ignore my future mods?!?!?! So I cannot get it again. Then today was 2C. ONCE AGAIN BOTH MODS WENT FOR OVER A THOUSAND. WALAUUUUU #Speaking of this semester, I am damn irritated with CORS. Students with minors like me are suffering greatly. I wanted Soci of Gender very much, but I could only start bidding for it from round 2A onwards. And guess what? Minimum bid went up all the way to 1500 points. The highest bid was 3000+++. Absolutely disgusting! So I couldn't get it. Then came Round 2B, where Soci of Deviance, my second choice, opened up as well. Both went for over 1000 points again. WTF?!?!?! I can't possibly spend all my 1200 Programme points on one minor module and ignore my future mods?!?!?! So I cannot get it again. Then today was 2C. ONCE AGAIN BOTH MODS WENT FOR OVER A THOUSAND. WALAUUUUU !%#$&^#&^@#&^%!!!

How can this be. Why is it like this. Then I could not take many other mods as well. SC3101 clashes. So does Soci of Childhood and Youth. So does Soci of Media and Culture. So does Soci of Inequalities. I could consider Soci of Culture and somethingsomething with Ray but its paper is on 7th May, so freaking near the end (or IS the end). I considered MNO1001 which some of my friends are taking but it clashes also. In the end, I had to settle for Medical Sociology which I am not uber interested but could possibly bear with. But it still cost me freaking 300 points.

Why can't I take the mod I ABSOLUTELY WANT TO TAKE. I cannot do it after this sem, cos after Medical Soci, I'm not allowed to take anymore Level 2000s for my minor. HAIZZZZZ. This is so freaking unfair. Plus all my close Soci friends like Eric, Ray and Shu are taking the above mentioned mods this sem... I wouldn't have anyone to take it with in future sems... DISGUSTING. CORS SUCKS. And to think, I did not even mind that Gender exam is on 30th April morning, when I have psych exams on 29th afternoon and evening.

They should consider releasing bidding options for minor students earlier rounds, like 1B or 1C at the very least. We declared minor, after all...

And all these graduating students who threw all their points in and spoiled the market? I'm officially cursing every single one of them (with certain exceptions, please e-mail me to ask for your exception) to FAIL THE MOD(S) THEY SPOILED. At least a D. KNN. (This curse does not apply to myself in the future HAHAHA)

Sian lar....... Then I spent 839 points for Universe. I feel damn poor now. HAIZ. Sucky CORS, sucky timetable, sucky exam timetable... What's next?!

I also had 2 very fun chalets this week! But one of it made me super dulan. Ah well. What to do. Ren3 lor.

Oh, and L4D2 rocks. Hahahahahaha.

And condolences to my friend.
Sengedox signing off.

Of I'm Not That Strong

2009-12-07T03:42:00.003+08:00

Constantly thinking and tearing is no use.

As Liang Wen Yin's song keeps looping and playing on my iTunes, I cannot help but keep thinking about the issue and constantly emo-ing.

What can I do? Why have things turned out like this?

I hate this feeling. It's like those primary school and secondary school incidents all over again. I don't want to lose another important one.

But this time, is it really me again?

Why?

I even gave today's OG outing a miss. I missed out on all the celebrations and camwhoring. Maybe I should haven went. It would have put my mind off these things for a while.

I don't even want to look at the photos and videos to see what I missed out.

And it's no use trying to explain to other friends what happened. As if they will understand, as if they can help.

I keep asking myself over and over again, why are things like this? This feeling is terrible. I constantly imagine all the dreaded outcomes that can happen.

The words in the sms constantly take a stab at my heart.

But you will think otherwise, wouldn't you. To you, it's me, right?

我不是你想像总是扮演坚强
多想让你知道我也要个伴

Even 蔡秋凤's Hokkien songs in the charity show sounded super emo and teary.
Sengedox signing off.

Of 我不是你想像那么勇敢

2009-12-06T01:15:00.003+08:00

我不是你想像那么勇敢 by 梁文音

有時候太堅強　笑容卻填不滿眼眶
越是想要隱藏　歌聲就唱的更響亮
直到入到心底最深處 OH~
你不要追問我　還缺了些什麼

每個人都有夢　幸福總站在最遠方
心中越是渴望　越是不敢伸手擁抱
誰的心是我最後一站
我強問我自己　現在還沒有個答案

我不是你想像那麼勇敢
多想讓你保護能流淚一場
讓我放下武裝　像個孩子一樣
單純的把愛情放在你心上

每個人都有夢　幸福總站在最遠方
心中越是渴望　越是不敢伸手擁抱
誰的心是我最後一站
我強問我自己　現在還沒有個答案

我不是你想像那麼勇敢
多想讓你保護能流淚一場
讓我放下武裝　像個孩子一樣
單純的把愛情放在你心上

我不是你想像總是扮演堅強
多想讓你知道我也要個伴
放下討厭武裝　像個孩子一樣
單純的把愛情放在你心上

我不是你想像的那麼勇敢

Sengedox signing off.

Of I'm Not Perfect FFS

2009-12-04T23:48:00.003+08:00

Why am I pissed off by two of my closest people today????!!!!

What the hell, or rather, what the fuck did I do?

Breathe, breathe.

I am sorry I cant be perfect like you people want me to. I have my idiosyncracies too. I have my bad days too. But seriously, why is it always like that?

Not to mention, I seem to be always ignored by you, but you don't realise it. I take it in my stride, and tell myself that it's just me thinking too much. Never mind that my comments don't get replied. Never mind that I seem non existent. Maybe I shouldn't have commented on those posts of yours. Nothing to do with me right?

I don't need this. And I definitely don't want this rift between us. But please.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Panics

2009-11-30T00:26:00.001+08:00

I know it happens every exam period, due to my procrastination and laziness and stuff.

But once again I'm having a slight panic attack, and I cannot finish what I need to within the next 3 hours.

I feel hopeless.

I wanna cry. =(

Yet in 3 more days I will be okay again.

But I will regret it again and again.

The memory of one year ago still haunts my guilt. =(

I wanna cry. =(
Sengedox signing off.

Of a Weird and Horrible Dream

2009-11-19T04:03:00.003+08:00

Last night , or rather this morning, since I slept at 4am, I had a long sleep all the way until 11am... Doesn't sound very long, but, I actually went to my parent's bed and continued sleeping till 2pm... Hence I did not go to school again. Totally sianz. I have to try and shift my sleeping pattern back to somewhat more normal, if not I will surely die next week with all my morning exams...

During that sleeping stint in my parent's bedroom, I had a very weird and long dream, to which I can only remember 2 parts. For the first part, I remember I was with some friends, but I can only remember Chia Min. Weird that it contained her cos I don't see her or talk to her, the last time was during the primary school gathering months ago! We were supposed to meet up or something. So we were at this particular bench sitting down... And we were writing a birthday card. For who?? Oh my goodness, for Kevin Ho! Or rather, now is Kevin Mauerblume/ MasSelamat/ Verboten/ Chuck Ho. Whatever lah, all the lame middle names that he keeps changing just to attract attention. Did I mention I find his constant Facbook publishing actitivities very AA and irritating? All the unneeded status updates and stuff, just like another friend of mine...

Anyway it's absolutely disgusting that I'm writing a birthday message for him cos I do not see why I would be doing that!!! We are simply acquaintances, and you can see my impression of him. I am disgusted with my dream self, haha. Anyway, then Chang Yi called and asked where were we, cos she was supposed to meet us and she was late. That's weird also cos this primary school friend, I have not seen for YEARSSSSS. Haiz. Maybe cos I looked at their FB profiles before. But that was quite some time ago.

I cannot remember much about what happened next, but the next important part that I remember was waking up groggily to find myself at an exam in an exam hall, sitting at this desk with papers in front of me. I noticed that it was a test with a MCQ component to it, since I had many bubble forms. That's weird, why would I need more than one bubble form? I had like 3 or 4. I looked at them carefully, and noticed that for each of them, they were blank except for this big embossed S drawn on a corner, either in front or behind the paper. An except was to the last piece of paper; it isn't exactly a bubble form; rather, it was a hand-drawn bubble form! All the underlines, boxes to separate every set of 10 questions, and all the circles were all drawn in pencil!!! And answers were shaded in accordingly. I was pretty much shocked. Then the next thing I knew, time was up and I had to hand in my paper. I panicked! I couldn't possibly hand in all these blank bubble forms, much less the fake one! In my dream, "I" remember doing the MCQs and shading a bubble form accordingly, and probably fell asleep after doing it, so I was wondering where did all my work go! I almost teared, and kept panicking. The person beside me told me to just hand in the fake one, but I was like, "It's no use! The machine would not be able to mark it!" Sadly, the invigilator walked up to me and I just gave her the fake one and started to cry. Boohoo.

I wondered and wondered. Then I woke up. As in really woke up. And I had a revelation. I had an inkling of who the culprit, who the saboteur was.

Must be Kevin Nonsense Ho. Must be. The 2 events must be linked.

Haiz. Am I too stressed? Cannot be leh. I have not been studying much for the past three days that I have been at home and too lazy to go to school cos I kept on waking up late. At this rate, I will really, surely die. Die die die. When will I ever learn.

Let's hope miracles happen. If absurd things like writing a birthday card for Kevin can happen, I'm sure I can survive the next 2 weeks. Then it's hooray!!!

Time to sleep. Die lah.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Backspacing

2009-10-29T23:11:00.005+08:00

As I typed the URL out, I stopped halfway. Major cognitive dissonance was at work. My mind was in a semi state of blankness and confusion. Do I proceed? Should I proceed?

I typed the c. I backspaced. I yped the c. I backspaced. I typed the c. I backspaced.

Guilt jumping back and forth. Do I know what I want? Is this really what I want? I have to be true to myself. Am I being true to myself?

Should I try this one out?

I really hate these. Haiz.

I typed. And press enter. Guilt consumed me, but I don't care anymore.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Cracks in the Earth without Roots

2009-10-29T00:20:00.007+08:00

Hairline cracks.

This is sooooo so so so related to a previous of quite some time ago.

As things proceed on I get more confused, I get more enlightened, I get more confused again, I get more enlightened again.

I become more determined, I worry even more, I become more determined, I start to think even more.

Haiz. Who gets my point?

On a separate note, I finally cut my hair! And dyed it a little! Funny how my auntie keeps avoiding my question about how much it costs and stuff like that. I think I understand why, cos after all she charges me cheaper, and thus it's very hard to just set a price there and then like that, so only when it was time to pay, then she just take a nominal sum from my wallet. 15 dollars only leh!!! Woots. But of course it was just some simple dyeing not those like treatment and stuff I think. Never mind, first try. Woohoo. But my hair is still very frizzy right now. =(

And my father's hospital bill is quite scary. It's true, you can die on this island but you cannot fall sick here. Oh my god. I hope he's feeling much better everyday. It's like... the devil has slowly started his work, taking away strands and strands of life away from old people... And it sucks to see it happening to someone close to you. I dread what is inevitable. Really.

And I hate how wild and vivid my imagination runs. Like what I would do and be like if choychoychoychoychoy something happens to them suddenly. I could envision myself being a zombie in school, crying at the slightest provocation and stuff like that. Not nice at all.

And I'm feeling unwell. Kanasai. Body aches everywhere. Started last evening in school, felt super cold wherever I went, especially in the LT and in the soc room. Splitting headache, bodyache, etc etc. Had to go sleep immediately once I reached home, but even then, falling asleep was difficult. I only woke up at 4am to remove my contacts and change out of my clothes, cos I couldn't move about much before that. Skipped tutorial today, went PCC with Weizheng and Vanehneh. Thought I felt okay, especially after taking a Panadol pill. Didn't study at PCC lor... I only finished copying my Conformity notes. I realised PCC is not that great a place to study if you need to use your lappie cos the outside areas have no powerpoint at all. Sianz. And Vanehneh was very high and giggly and self-amusing today. Funneh. Good to see her like that though. But Weizheng was the contrast, emo-ing again...

Now the headache and aches are back. I ate Panadol, but not working??!! Argh. Luckily my internet worked after multiple tamperings with my lappie and the cables and etc.

La la la. Halloween is coming. But once again I probably cannot celebrate it again, cos I can't seem to find people interested enough to dress up for it. =( And there're the Dreyer's ice cream photo/video competition which I wanna take part in too. No entries so far, so easy to win!!! But... Haiyo. Sian. Total sianness.

Not boomz at all.

Exactly one month minus one day to exams.

Like a root... less...
Sengedox signing off.

Of Hurt Or Not Hurt?

2009-10-22T00:21:00.003+08:00

Which should be more correct?

When close friends or people who matter say hurtful stuff to you, whether its insults, teases. pranks or rejections, you know they are just joking, and cos they are your close friends, you should not take it to heart.

When close friends or people who matter say hurtful stuff to you, whether its insults, teases, pranks or rejections, it hurts even more, because what they say or do means even more to you and you feel worse.

Isn't it always the case that advice goes, "Do not take what strangers say to heart; their opinions don't matter"?

So accordingly, friends' do?

Or can you brush it aside, thinking it's nothing, and let them continue, cos you are close, so you should not "petty" about such stuff?

Is it really wrong to feel?

Over-sensitive?

Blah.

And it's not helping that my fucking laptop suddenly cannot play my CDs, only the DVDs.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Creep

2009-10-08T02:04:00.004+08:00

Creep by Damien Rice

When you'e here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
Beautiful world
I wish I was special
So very special

I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I wanna perfect body
I wanna perfect soul
I want you to know this
I'm not around
So very special
I wish I was special

I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
So very special
I wish I was special

I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

Nice song intro-ed by Weizheng. =)

Great soc room clean up, and great MAF celebration tonight! =)
Sengedox signing off!

Of Going Back to Her

2009-10-01T02:20:00.003+08:00

I realised, I have neglected Jolin.

For the past month or even more, I have been busying myself with so many other things, some totally not important at all, like Dota and the like, and some that admittedly are important, like my studies.

I have even forgotten her birthday had just passed, until today.

I feel very sad.

It has been very long since I went to catch up on her news, to go click on the forums, to go look at her photos, to download them, to watch videos, etc etc. I remember searching for latest videos once or twice, but that was not enough. Although I listen to her songs for hours everyday, it is also not enough, cos the effort was not put in.

But I am glad I have gone back to her today. It's like how some of my Christian friends like to talk about them going back to God or that they realised thay have neglected Him, that kinda thing. Jolin is just as important to me.

Jolin definitely helps whether I'm emo-ing or not.

I can't wait for the Love & Live album. =)

Love Jolin.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Random Why Liddats

2009-09-27T00:46:00.003+08:00

Last Wednesday, I was studying in school when Munchee suggested eating Cornetto McFlurry, and she was enticing Wilson, Fuzhi and I with her constant depictions of slurping. I happened to be studying self-control in social psychology at that time, and I was listening to 热冬 by Jolin at the point also, which had the line “不必再control” in it. In the end we all really couldn't control and walked to McDonald's to buy some. ALAS! It was sold out, and we were informed by the counter staff that that day was the last day too. So disappointing. It didn't help that we didn't have dinner together that night also, cos most of the soccer people zhao-ed. Nessa had dinner with her family, Brudder had tuition, Twin went home with Eric, etc etc. I was very sad.

But never mind. Cos when I went to Clementi, I decided to go buy Cornetto McFlurry! And I did! Yum yum. It was very nice indeed. I didn't have dinner in the end, only went home to cook noodles. Sho sadz.

Today I was talking to my friend, and she told me how I should smile more, and how some others felt like they did not know how to have a conversation with me. So sad to hear that, although I do realise it too. I don't know why... I think I'm like Jaren in this part. And I think I suck at communication nowadays.

Gone are the days when I was all jumpy and happy-go-lucky. My friend set me thinking indeed. Have I been smiling much? Perhaps, only to certain people. And only to the camera? What happened...?

I went for CJLMXLB (That's Crystal Jade La Mian Xiao Long Bao) buffet with my OG peeps on Thursday at Holland V. Enjoyed myself very much! I ate more than 10 XLBs I swear. Yum yum! But we couldn't finish the other food that we ordered and were supposed to cook. Secretly, I think Jun Yue shouldn't have been so adamant in ordering so much. In the end he also stopped eating when there were still a lot left. I was like, -_-. At least I finished the XLB I ordered... What was more infuriating actually was the fact that we wasted a lot of time after eating, resulting in Xinglong, Tzehao and I having to cab back home when I found out the next day we could still have rushed for the last train!!! (Last train from Joo Koon is 11.53pm, people!) Spare a thought for those who live further away leh.

I had a fun day yesterday too, being back at Holland V again, this time with some HCL friends, eating at Essential Brew and then later the sudden decision to sing at TopOne. As usual, TopOne still smells of smoke, and there were ah tiongs fighting in the next room. So stupid. What was even more dumb was how the person was pressing the password for their touchscreen panel twice in front of me, and damn was it an easy password. 123456789. In the end when time was up, we entered the password again so we sang one more song. HAHAHAHA.

Today I was pawned by my modem as well. Cut me off from the internet just as I was loading Stepford Wives to watch for my film review. Nabeh. I had no internet for like 4 hours, wasting my time away. Now I have to load the film again. Haiz.

Die die die die die. Essay due on Monday. Social psych test on Tuesday. Social psych powerpoint presentation due on Tuesday too. And another essay on next monday, plus another test next Wednesday, plus I suspect Devt is looming very close too. Cham cham cham. And I still have to go out tomorrow.

Time to study! Haiz.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Sleep and Growing Emo Dilemma

2009-09-18T22:53:00.006+08:00

It's finally mid term break!!! Today's Singapore Society test was... erm... I could have done better lah. Didn't really do my consolidation, so when the questions came out I just wrote whatever crap I knew since there was no time to flip throught the readings slowly.

Anyway after the test and after slacking in the Soc room for a while I set off alone heading towards Simei to give tuition. I boarded 96B and promptly fell asleep, considering that I only had 4 hours of sleep the previous night. Little did I know that I would sleep all the way till the MRT stop, and miss it. When I woke up, the bus was already turning at the road between the MRT station and the bus interchange, and I looked all around me to find no one else. Thinking the bus would turn into the interchange, I waited, but it didn't!!! So I had to make my prescence known. The uncle was quite shocked to see me, haha, and seemed to pity me quite a bit for being so tired, for uni students studying so hard, haha. Luckily he let me alight at the McDonald's stop, if not I would be back in school again. And that would be damn stupid. I was running late for my tuition anyway.

I fell asleep on the train too, once I managed to get a seat. When I woke up, I DID NOT miss my stop. I woke up at Bedok cos I was only half asleep, okay. But the whole point of this paragraph is that I woke up to find myself looking at an unzipped zip of a man in front of me. I was thinking how to tell him discreetly, hahaha... He was listening to music and looking at his phone... When the train was at Tanah Merah I tried raising and doing things with my eyes to try and catch his attention but he didn't see me... Surprisingly we both alighted at Simei, but he walked damn fast and had exited through another door. I walked equally fast to catch up with him, but there were always people inbetween us. In the end, I gave up when we turned different directions at the first floor. His dai ji already lah, so noob.

Anyway it's time for me to emo again!

Yesterday I had a really pleasant time with Weizheng and Vanehneh at PCC! It is Pacific Coffee Company for the uninitiated. We HTHT-ed a lot and found out a lot of things about each other! My progress during that whole session was only 2/3 of a reading, haha... I'm glad I know more now, and the info I learnt are useful in a sense in letting me emo to myself effectively about certain stuff, hahaha...

But...

When I think of it, I regret it. When I look, I suddenly feel like slapping myself. But I cannot control it! It's ingrained... How? I hate this dilemma. I tried and tried... This whole week I told myself to see how things are like. And again and again I hav proven to myself that it seems quite impossible. Yet, the other side is equally tempting. But I really cannot bring myself to do it. It is too selfish. That perfect scenario - does it even exist? I believe it is just some wishful thinking to justify my actions.

I guess I have to continue to observe, and see how. I cannot jeopardise anything. There isn't any side that I can exactly lean towards without thinking of the other side. It sucks that the want is so great and yet uncertain, the wanting to try is there, yet the not-wanting-to-hurt/think-too-much/worried-about-what-may-happen also manifests so convincingly.

Is there a place I can scream and shout out loud in whatever way I want? A place where I can sob and sing emo songs out with the most emotions? A place, space and time where I can perhaps try for the first time, what it is like to drink and drown in sorrows? Someone who can fully understand the catch-22 situation?

假装 by Jolin 蔡依林

呼吸着一种孤独的味道
心跳在你沉默以后慢慢的被淡忘掉
我笑了笑反正你看不到
我要的幸福遗落在你怀抱
当爱失了焦那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道我只想不被打扰

假装多好我只要只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱一直会让我依靠
继续等待还心甘情愿的不想逃

当爱失了焦那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道我只想不被打扰

假装多好我只要只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱一直会让我依靠
继续等待心甘情愿不想逃

假装多好依然是依然是暧昧的同调
一个人无理取闹两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在自己设下的圈套

像是驼鸟相信时间是唯一解药
视而不见傻到了无可救药
其实早明了你的爱已随风飘
想要找再也找不到

假装多好我只要只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱还心甘情愿的不想逃

假装多好依然是依然是暧昧的同调
一个人无理取闹两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在自己设下的圈套

假装自己已解开冰冷的手铐

冲动 by Elva 萧亚轩

很感激這城市擁擠的交通
讓你我還能多相處幾分鐘
人潮中怕失散所以輕輕拉你的手
一刻不放鬆不放鬆

忍不住想要愛你的衝動
不確定你屬於我會有點寂寞
你給的幸福在我心中自由走動
撫平我每一個傷口
忍不住想要吻你的衝動
不確定我的執著能讓你感動
我只能相信自己感受不怕失落
關於你的一切我想要比誰都懂

我的心是被你設定的鬧鐘
提醒我想你的時間不夠用
為什麼平淡的事情現在忽然生動
是你改變我你改變我

忍不住想要愛你的衝動
不確定你屬於我會有點寂寞
你給的幸福在我心中自由走動
撫平我每一個傷口
忍不住想要吻你的衝動
不確定我的執著能讓你感動
我只能相信自己感受不怕失落
關於你的一切我想要比誰都懂

你是情人還是朋友
還沒勇氣想得太多
你的世界如此遼闊
我會在哪個角落

忍不住想要愛你的衝動
不確定你屬於我會有點寂寞
你給的幸福在我心中自由走動
撫平我每一個傷口
忍不住想要吻你的衝動
不確定我的執著能讓你感動
我只能相信自己感受不怕失落
關於你的一切我想要比誰都懂

一个人 by Jolin 蔡依林

从皮包里抽出我们的照片
沙发要移到客厅的另一边
晚饭后你可以多抽几口香烟
已经没什么人会埋怨
晴天阴天今天又是星期天
唯一的打算是醒得晚一些
反正我不知道怎样打发时间
出门或不出门没差别

一个人到底应该睡右边或左边
两个人连一次争吵都值得纪念
一个人偶尔感到寂寞在所难免
你的气味还留在枕头边
一个人我重新适应一切不方便
两个人不一定就成全一个世界
一个人关灯看见记忆的横切面
没有光线过去那些情节更明显

晴天阴天今天又是星期天
唯一的打算是醒得晚一些
反正我不知道怎样打发时间
出门或不出门没差别

一个人到底应该睡右边或左边
两个人连一次争吵都值得纪念
一个人偶尔感到寂寞在所难免
你的气味还留在枕头边
一个人我重新适应一切不方便
两个人不一定就成全一个世界
一个人关灯看见记忆的横切面
没有光线过去那些情节更明显
更明显

***

Hoorayyyyyy midterm breakkkkk =D =D =D Although I have a lot of things to catch up on. Time to touch my textbooks and webcasts!!! Time to enjoy too hahahaha. Don't worry about me!
Sengedox signing off!

Of Think Too Much, Uncertainty

2009-09-10T23:18:00.006+08:00

Uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty uncertainty.

No matter how many of this word there is, it isn't enough to sufficiently spell out the volume that is inside of me.

Think too much think too much think too much think too much think too much think too much think too much think too much think too much think too much think too much think too much.

The number of repetitions is too little to describe too much. Too much is simply not enough to describe what I'm thinking.

One moment, the fantasies of possibilities. The next moment, the worries of consequences. As much as I want to herald the future, as much as I want to dive in, as much as I long for a change, there is just as much that I worry about what the future brings, just as much I want to jump out, just as much I want things to remain the same.

The hand dealt to me by the Joker is ever so tricky. I worry whether I am trying to delude myself, or is there a certain path in the grass I am supposed to discover, a path that things will be all right.

I have to make a decision. It is not helpful for me to be what I have been in the past.

How how how how how how how how how how how how.

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know.

***

Although speaking to Small This One Big That One (STOBTO) last night was not exactly super enlightening, but being able to type out everything about the issue that I had kept within me did allow some relief.

I wish I can chat some more. I feel like a lost sheep. Who, as usual, is being scolded for thinking too much. But you understand the delicateness of the issue, don't you?

***

It seems surreal at first, but I must prod myself to be more proactive and take charge of things. Being the Vice President of Soci Soc will not be easy, but I must believe that I can do it, with the help of everyone else in the committee. No longer can I take a backseat in things, I must make sure things run smoothly, I must make sure I know what is happening, and what I can or must do. I must aid Brudder in every way possible.

I must not slack anymore. Schoolwork plus Soci Soc plus tuition plus mind-boggling issue may seem like a lot to handle, but I shall try. This means I must not procrastinate any longer! Get to my readings! Get to my textbooks! Get to my essays! Get to my lecture notes! Get to my webcasts! Get to my assignments! Get down to it! Erm, yah. Yawn.

I need the push.

However, I am certain that this year Soci Soc can achieve great stuff. The new 42nd Management Committee looks promising. Go go Brudder, we will show others what Chin Qiang / Zhen Seng / Juky / Jaclian / Chu Kang Chu Beng PTE LTD can do. =D =D =D

***

Hi Jeryl. Here is a post where you are mentioned! =D Have not seen you guys for very long... =(

***

Thanks BBTG for the great present! I love them! Where is the card ah, I really don't know. Hahahaha.

***

Mind boggling issue still occupies every crevice in my brain. Haiz.
Sengedox signing off!

Of Thank You

2009-08-31T01:36:00.001+08:00

Thank you all. <3<3!

I received quite a lot of love this year. I don't deserve this much, but thank you all anyway. =)

Now if only I would stop procrastinating.

And to the issue I have thought about occasionally and which has been nagging me, I still don't know the answer. Or maybe, I don't wish to find the answer. Haiz.
Sengedox signing off.

Of A Great Present!

2009-08-24T23:16:00.002+08:00

Today I got a wonderful birthday present! The Ns.sg people called me back and told me I need not do IPPT cos I am still under some holding list!

Woohoo!!! =D
Sengedox signing off!

Of Not Looking Forward To It

2009-08-24T11:25:00.005+08:00

As you've said, I went to read the older entries. Actually only after reading quite a bit did I realise the lock on the top. So I'm revisiting all those memories again, and, I don't know, I don't really want to think much about it also. After all, I was one of the noobiest then, you have to agree. And I couldn't control my emo-ness that time also. And you of all people surely know how I would be thinking about myself as I read through the entries, and feeling sad and emo whether because my name appeared or not. I know it's not important, it's a rubbish thought, hence I did not devote any attention to the emo beast for this issue, so it is still okay. Don't worry, I know we are much closer now. It doesn't hurt to only know so late, cos that always happens to me anyway, regarding a lot of things. I am always thaaaat slow. Hahahaha.

Great time with the BBT Gang on Sunday! Still have not bought kY's present, though. Hmmm, maybe the hi-fi set is a good idea. Momoya was very very very delicious, I wish we could keep staying there and eating the sashimi and beef and tori karaage!!! Yum yum yum. Lotsa chit chatting with my dear dear dear old friends. Somehow, the bonds between us are still there after all these while. We make an effort to celebrate each other's birthday, albeit it is always a late one. But I, as I'm sure the 4 others are, always look forward to such outings.

Maybe it is cos I am finally getting old(er). I don't look forward to tomorrow actually. Especially since I can't go for the IMH excursion. Why did the lecturer had to put on Tuesday when I have my tutorials? Why didn't she plan for it to happen during the first two weeks? Everyone would be more free right? Haiz. Doesn't help that I'm always emo-ing about useless stuff. Hahaha.

And I can't shake off the feeling that I'm losing the bond with some others. I am realising that, though the bonds appeared strong before, they were simply tied to circumstances, tied to issues, tied to other stuff. They do not seem to be pure bonds. But like I said, I must belive, I must give all of us time. But whenever I say this, the nagging feeling is there. Haiz.

I must rush off now. I have not seen my dear Mother for months!!!
Sengedox signing off.

Of Emo Friends

2009-08-18T01:06:00.003+08:00

I realised that I am having more and more emo friends. Hahaha. Is it like some kind of "birds of a feather flock together"? But actually, it would be more accurate to say that I only realised that some of my friends are the emo type like me, rather than saying that I came to know them as emo people right from the beginning.

Maybe it is because I have been trapped in my own emoness for very long; I am blinded by what I indulge myself in, by what I choose to see and what I choose not to see; What I feel and what I think. Hence it has made me selfish in certain aspects, not being able to recognise the emoness and depressed moods others may also be feeling. Somehow, my emoness has caused me to indulge in a "It's all about me" kinda thing.

Which is why sometimes I also think that I really emo too much. I have also come to realise that recently, I seem to only see certain aspects of a situation, certain angles, and subsequently continuously feed the emo beast that is in me, forming conclusions, theories, and making myself feel sadder than ever. I start to think of negative stuff, be it about what will happen in the future, be it about relationships with friends and how enstranged they may seem to be, etc etc.

And then when I am done emoing, I will feel like slapping myself for thinking that way. I need to convince myself that I cannot be so pessimistic. Give them time; Give ME time. Things will surely become better after a while. After all, events have been out of our control; we all had no choice but to "entertain". Okay, using the word "entertain" may be a bad choice, cos I truly did put in effort and my head and heart into this, and that is definitely the case for them as well. The new friends I made are definitely genuine for most. Admittedly, I sometimes think to myself that I have become one who, although likes social interactions sometimes, and likes to be in the limelight, but eventually what I like also is a few groups of close-knit friends like BBT Gang.

(But surely, what I emo about must surely make some sense and have some truth in it? I cannot deny my own rights, can I? I am human too, I have feelings too, and it is natural for me to feel this way when events unfold in a certain way...)

And so I hope, after the hype has truly died down, and everyone has their own busy stuff to take care of, the previously-strong bonds that existed will be able to repair itself once again, and subesequently perform its subtle magic, and draw everyone back together again. Cos I really miss those days.

But if, tragically, it does not happen, then I have to learn to live with it. After all, they did not "entertain" too. New bonds may take the place of older bonds, sometimes. And sometimes I really worry about that when thinking about the new committee. I must have faith. I must have faith. One can always have both old AND new bonds, no?

And to this particular emo friend of mine, I hope our conversations have been useful and revealing just like it did for me. It will blow away soon!!! Believe in it! Believe in your emo friend here! Hahaha.

And I also have to give special thanks to my OG for their wonderful card and present in trying to instil confidence back in me and giving me the morale boost. Thanks a lot, it really means a lot.

I'm you biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me, pa pa, paparazzi.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Absolute Failure

2009-08-09T15:33:00.004+08:00

I find myself in a very delicate and unique position, such that I realise I can find NOBODY that I can truly open my heart to and say what I want to say. Even on my blog, no longer am I protected, no longer am I guaranteed a safe haven for me to rant. And it would be meaningless for me to write on a locked post or blog cos I do that to myself in reality 24/7 anyway. Sometimes it really sucks that I have to constantly write in very cryptic sentences, like what I am doing now. I do not get to fully release my frustrations and emotions when I write like this.

I do not know who can truly understand the situation I am in, and the feelings and emotions I have to keep going through. Being "neither here nor there" was already the tip of the iceberg, and O Week just made things worse.

And I have come to realise that I have been very selfish sometimes.

Why is it that only when things end do I realise certain things and issues that should actually have been more important?

I seriously think I have failed in my role, no matter how many thinks otherwise. So many things I should have taken care of, so many things I should have done, so many things I should have known, so many things I should NOT have done, so many things I should not have allowed to happened.

I absolutely detest myself when I am clouded.

Of course, I still must be thankful to each and everyone. I may not have recognised it at first, but I do now. There are some things that I simply did not, could not, and would not have accomplished, but you all covered the bases. I am really very thankful.

I feel very guilty to have poisoned people. This is one of the reasons why I think I really fail. I failed to be above it all, which was absolutely important.

I have to learn to let go. I may feel it is unfair, etc, but ultimately it was and is down to myself. I have to let go.

But who truly understands the unique and delicate position I am in?

No one. I can tell no one. Not my brudder, not my twinnie, not my best female councillor, not my NSRv, not my beh beh, etc.

But it's ok. Because it is finally over. I will let go. I will give it up. I must find back my old self.

It will probably kill me along the way. But I will have to try.

I seriously hate this.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Emotions

2009-08-09T15:07:00.005+08:00

Happy.
Sad.
Relieved.
Disappointed.
Joyful.
Thankful.
Regretful.
Depressed.
Emotional.
Glad.
Hopeful.
Hopeless.
Angry.
Doubtful.
Confused.
Guilty.
Neutral.
Dead.

It's over.

I'm tired.

Sengedox signing off!

Of In Transit

2009-07-22T01:27:00.004+08:00

Today was a good day. Quality time spent with the Siudor Kias, I would say.

I think I think too much about certain issues. At least I had a fun time with them. I realise that eventually, they are gonna be year 1s, and you can't stick around with them so much when school starts. Which I am okay with, actually. I do not think I can effectively handle so many.

However, I still feel in transit. And the videos and other stuff definitely do not help. But what to do, I always think a lot and think too much.

It is just me. I will be all right after a while I guess. I can't spend my whole life thinking about this anyway. Soon, it will be pushed further back in my mind when other things take over.

你可以生穿花花衣当限量的花蝴蝶
也可以比你想象中再爱现再敢一点
你可以自己决定美的最后三生定言
也可以让路人甲们闭嘴惊艳
你是花花世界里限量般的花花蝴蝶
美女们只是比较豁出去比较敢一点
花蝴蝶的美的艳的煊若没三生定言
那些路人甲们凭什么发言惹人讨厌准备惊艳

花蝴蝶 by Jolin

你我都希望特别又不敢太过于特别...
Sengedox signing off.

Of my Pokerface

2009-07-21T02:15:00.011+08:00

Nat says my blog is relatively quiet because of my emo posts, which I assume makes people confused and hence not know what to comment.

I have come to realise that over the years, especially this year, my posts have turned really ambiguous and hard to decipher, and largely emo, compared to years ago, where I would take the effort to type out every single detail in proper English, about events and happenings in my life, so that I can come back and read it any time and relive the memories. I would even painstakingly colour code certain stuff in the paragraphs, with a proper sequence of green, red and purple that must always change for each consecutive post, to make things even nicer, for myself at least.

I have turned lazy on that part. But partly also because I remember someone complaining to me about the colours.

I am actually starting to dislike this blogskin, cos the navigation is not friendly. Maybe I should switch back to the old one, but I need to find a new nice wallpaper of Jolin, that must be constant.

I also cannot help it that I'm more emo nowadays, or rather, more vocal in my emo-ness. I believe my emo-ness has only slightly increased over these past year, as the level as always been pretty high, just that I do not really blog it down, or so I seem to think, cos I have not gone back to check yet. But gone are the funny posts that I would periodically write, that is for sure. Does that make my blog less nice to read now?

I feel jealousy and envy, you know. Boo hoo. Under my po-po-po-poker face, who really knows? Haha. And then the next moment, I may get friends showing concern and whatever, but my po-po-po-poker face will simply tell a lie. How pro-pro-pro-professional.

But it is probably the same for most others, ain't it? Argh stupid me should stop thinking that I'm so special. Everyone has their own problems they're not voicing out. What's so special about yours, Mr Sengedox?

Damn. I am high at one moment and emo the next. Emo at one moment and high the next. Just minutes ago I was writing on many people's walls and on photo comments, writing a lot of crap and stuff.

Suddenly, I do not feel like going out tomorrow. But for the sake of bonding, due to my position, which until now I am still unsure about, I have to. Not that I do not like them, but... Aiyah I don't know.

Sian.

Let's have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.
Don't think too much just bust that thick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.

Brudder caused me to be addicted to this song for now.

Oh. I forgot to mention. I came back from Soci Camp. Which thankfully seemed very much quite a success. Yayness. Flaws here and there, especially from my side of Campus tour and my ad-hoc control of beach games cos Stephanie was not there and I took over, but other than these, quite ok lah. Sucks to find flaws in the things you handled. =(

And please stop hiam-ing the soci camp tee shirt. Give me some credit, considering that I did the front logo, although I do not know which part of the tee you did not like, other than the purple colour that you hated. =)

Once again, another emo entry. I cannot help it!

Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face~
Sengedox signing off.

Of Imminent Fail

2009-07-09T14:06:00.005+08:00

Truth to tell, I am feeling angry, pek cek, and very much a failure.

I can't even get a single person to come.

I am seriously very, very worried for Soci Camp. Why do all other things have to happen during that week? T house chalet, overseas trips, work, blah blah blah.

For the first time in Soci Soc history I believe, our camp might turn out to be a failure, if it continues like this.

How can a camp be called a camp if it has less than 10 freshies.

I really partially blame it on my non-gamness with my OG freshies. Not as closely bonded with them, I think they are also not really as convinced to go, no matter what I say, how many emails I type, how many SMSes I send.

This Soci Camp is the effort and hard work of the whole Soci Soc, especially Wilson, our president, and Jacky, our PD. I feel like I may be letting them down.

What to do. What can I do? How can I pull more people in???

I want to cry.
Sengedox signing off.

Of I Can't Help But Think and Feel Dui

2009-07-06T02:11:00.004+08:00

Consider this:

A1 from A was originally supposed to be BFF. If A1 became BFF, that means A cannot be anything else. Which means A cannot be BO.

Since BFF has been taken up by A1 and BO has not been taken up, that means B should have been BO.

However, later on, things were changed, and B1 became BFF, while A became BO. This was evident because out of nowhere there were 2 BFFs. And HIJ said it was an error in announcing the first BFF.

So, was B the original choice for BO? Why the change of mind then?

Yes, I cannot be unbiased, cos I did not see everything, I was not everywhere. But it was definitely certain that, B was worthy. A was, too. It all boiled down to which did they think was more worthy. Which was more deserving.

Seems that A was.

Haiz. (What about B?)

And it definitely sucks to be pulled into and basked in other people's happinees and aura all around you in terms of facebook, blogs, real life, etc etc when YOU DON'T FEEL IT.

I cannot help but feel dui. It is human nature. Of course, I would not feel it is unfair and go find problem with others. But the feeling of "wasted" is definitely there.

Ah well. What to do. It's over. And if you read this and you understand it (it is quite obvious for those of you who are related to this), no need to think too much. It is just some feeling and some blog post. Nothing else.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Back From Arts Camp 2009

2009-07-03T12:26:00.004+08:00

Yes I am finally back from 5+ gruelling, tiring, but ohmagawd so much fun and excitement and memories Arts Camp 2009!!!

It was definitely not easy being an AOGL, there were so many things to take care of. Firstly you had to ensure that the freshies had fun, so you had to constantly rah rah them, getitng them to run, to cheer, to shout, to be high, etc, and to do that, you must put in even more rah rah-ness so that they will follow you! You also had to constantly ensure that they stay safe and that the numbers are accounted for, especially with the stupid H1N1 issue, hence had to constantly count the numbers, ask them to take their temperature, make sure they drink enough water, etc etc. After all these, you still had to hold meetings with your OGL who had to have meetings with the House ICs to see what else we need to do, etc etc.

All these would not have proceeded smoothly if not for the effort of every single person!

I must thank:

Shiming: My dearest OGL, the best there is, she is the one who constantly rah rah-ed the whole OG with her damn zai cheers, her bountiful energy and her super voice! Having to take over her role when she was not around was definitely not easy!

Shi Jie: My zai co AOGL with me, he was the one who provided all the entertainment there needs to be, together with Jonathan, cos he is damn funny with his antics and his way of speaking!!! Plus, he also did a lot of admin stuff, some of which I was not familiar with!

Jonathan Phang: The other part of the funny duo, provided endless entertainment, provided a powerful voice for cheers while he still had his voice and great dance moves! Not to forget, he is from Engine and yet is able to give his bestest into Arts Camp!

Jiaxing: My best bunkmate councillor, helped me to finish up stuff that I was too stressed or too busy to do, especially with things like monitoring temperature, etc etc, lending me his toiletries, and also rah rah-ing along with the rest!

Gloria: A very zai councillor who put in effort to prepare the stuff for the cards we were to make for the freshies, plus gotten us an extra blow-up wig, plus she also cheered along at the top of her voice, rah rah-ing the freshies, and also making friends with them!

Vanessa: Another zai councillor who, together with the other girls, covered the relationship parts with the freshies which I was not able to do, being able to mingle with the freshies, make them feel at home, knowing more about them, and also staying strong (stubbornly, haha), not letting us know she sprained her leg till the last day when it was all swollen! Hope you get well asap!

Wei Zheng: Another zai councillor, provided the camera and all the super funny shots, also helped to cheer and helped to cover the relationship parts, providing entertainment with her blurness especially during games! My favourite smoker!

Special mention goes to the following three:

Jon Ma: Thanks for crashing for the limited number of days that you were able to come, treating us to McNuggets, saying some lame jokes, helping us to be in the spotlight cos you are Arts King 08 you know?!?! All the small little things you have done contributed a lot. Thank you!

Esther Beh: OMG OMG THIS GIRL IS SIAO. BUT BUT BUT, is the best crasher ever. Her energy, her craziness, her willingness to be laughed at, her antics, all her weird ways that constantly brought bellyache laughter to the whole OG and EVEN TO THE WHOLE HOUSE, is one of its kind. Which is why I could not do it without her, WO AI NI ESTHER!!!

Zhao Hong: Not with us for long but thanks for clubbing with us and helping out with the cards and on the last day!!!

Of course, there are the 2 S House I/Cs:

Jun Yue: Your butt shaking, exaggerrated actions, loud voice, indian cheers, aeroplane cheers definitely gave a big plus point to everything! You ensured that the other 3 houses LOOKED at us! You are a very good house I/C, do not doubt that!

Talia: Quietly helping Jun Yue, don't think that I don't know! Jun Yue may be bigger in size but you are a power-packed pill! Your boobs cheers, counter cheers, even your rendition of It Sucks to be Me, etc also gave plus points to the whole house! Jia you, you rock as a house I/C!

Then there are the freshies who have put in so much effort, doing the best they can, from being shy and not talking a lot on Day 1 to being able to lead cheers on their own, lead the way, plan stuff, and being rah rah by Day 5!

These people are Audrey (pageant potential!), Yi Ling (best female freshie!), Brenda, Eunice, Nurul, Hui Zhen, Charmaine, Xin Yu, Glenn, Vincent (possible pageant potential too!), Swee Kiong, Ken, Xin Long, Shaun and Thaddeus!

Becaus of all these people and the rest of S House, SPHINX WON BEST HOUSE! S HOUSE HAS BEEN AWARDED BEST HOUSE TWICE IN A ROW!!! WOOTS OMG OMG WOOTS!!!!

*cue throwing confetti all around. throw leh. quick* *ACTION NUMBER 4! OHHH YEAAAHHH!!!*

No regrets in attending Arts Camp, losing my voice, having aches all over, turning infamous, etc etc. There may have been moments when I was feeling angry or sad over certain stuff, but never mind, they are over, hopefully things can only get better!!!

And and and, I can assure you, my OG Siudor was soooooooooo close to getting best OG, but we lost it to Scandal, Zhenyu's OG which won it for the third time in a row. But they definitely deserved it, they were damn rah rah as well, and there were many things I did not see, etc, but based on what I heard, their freshies actually ran and lead the way from Day 2 of the camp, leaving the councillors in the dust, haha!!! Never mind, close fight close fight, both OGs are damn zai! (But the way the O Comm announced the winners of best OG, freshie, councillor, etc of our house, they really misled me into thinking we won hahaha)

Ah well. The journey for these people has just started... Now I have to work on Soci Camp and make it great as well, then start thinking about O Week...

People!!! Join Sociology Society's Camp, Sociolo Royale, from 14th to 17th July 09, $40 for freshies, $20 for councillors, accomodation is at Kent Ridge, plus we have the biggest goodie bag EVER! Bigger than the other societies, even bigger than Arts Camp. One of the biggest drawpoint is FREE ENTRY TO VELVET UNDERGROUND AT ZOUK!!! Can you believe it? Our marketing people damn zai. Feel free to join to have lots of fun in the continuation of Arts Camp, and do not fret, you NEED NOT be interested in majoring in Soci or stuff like that to join, ANYONE can join, okay okay?!?! Come as a whole OG! Bond even more! For more infomation, just search Sociolo Royale on facebook!

All rights. My skin is peeling, and I have a primary school gathering later. After 10 long years. Alamak. So unglam. Byez.

Sengedox signing off!

Of Killing the Song

2009-06-22T02:22:00.004+08:00

If this isn't called killing the song, I do not know what is.

Admittedly I am not a singer, neither am I well versed in the art of music, but seriously, she really killed the song.

I listened to 2 of her other videos, and they sounded equally squeaky, but at least the pronounciation and pitch were much better.

But this, oh my god. Rubbish lyrics, rubbish tones, etc etc. And she still tried to act cute throughout!

You are forgiven if you can't stand to watch until the end.

Somebody should give her a reality check.

And if I seem mean, yea whatever. It's my idol's song you are tarnishing. And I am not obliged to be so nice.

On a separate note,

No use thinking so much, eh.

Sengedox signing off.

P.S. And what the heck is wrong with my formatting??? Why are the words of a different font and going out of the boxes?!

Of Control

2009-06-09T03:51:00.004+08:00

Control. Am I still assuming control, control over my life, my actions, my feelings, my thoughts?

What part of me am I controlling? Am I really in control?

Do I resist the urges to do certain things?

Socially constructed, I have to maintain control over some things.

Control. Such a fundamentally critical indicator of morality, of humanity, and yet, so critically, essentially, dangerously lacking at times.

Are we really in control? Is physical restrain considered enough control? What about the mind, that flies about, myriads of thoughts, experiences, feelings, telling your brain, your body, the things it thinks, it wants. What it actually wants to do.

And you try to restrain. You stop it. But you never really get to assume control of what you think. Is it simply a facade, a hiding of your true self?

And so as I read what others write, I start to feel emo again. Emo for things and thoughts beyond my control. Why does it still happen? I ask, but I already know the answer, to which I restrain.

Urges. Wants. Expectations. Desires. Some things that cannot really be achieved or fulfilled. With everything comes a price. The price tag that comes with everything socially constructed.

Can I get what I want right now? But...

Haiz. I suddenly feel like crying. Suddenly, the world seems very big, I seem very small, and I seem totally out of control. I feel despair.

But who will really know, will truly understand? None.

Once again, I take the strength of time to lock the doors up again, to trap away these, what would be heretic thoughts, in a dog-eat-dog world.

Will I ever be able to escape this cycle of torment?

“不必再control
不必ㄍㄧㄣ爱错回收
看对眼直接行动
这一季将是热冬”

热冬 by Jolin

Take the first step...?
Sengedox signing off.

Of Opening Up to New Options

2009-06-05T18:57:00.004+08:00

On a totally unrelated note with the previous post,

Maybe it is time I picked up courage to take those steps that my friend has taken. Open up my options. See what happens.

Because, we will never know. And not much use worrying either.

If it happens, it will happen. And when it happens, it will no longer just boil down to the individual me. It will include everything and everyone else.

Ah well. Cravings. What to do.

I wonder. If I can trust. If I am trusted.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Selfishness and Pettiness

2009-06-05T18:51:00.004+08:00

I'm actually a very selfish and petty person. And right now, I don't care if I'm selfish and petty. I'm seriously annoyed, angry, fed up, and unhappy.

You do not ask for my password, claiming the need to check urgent e-mails, and yet still regularly try and use the laptop to check facebook, etc etc, hence logging me out, blah blah blah, making things very much inconvenient. And not once, not twice, not thrice either. And every single time I have to think of a new password when it was not necessary in the first place.

You do not take the toothbrush I just bought, of my favourite colour, and use it as your own when I planned to open it the next morning. And now, I cannot get the same toothbrush of the same colour without having to put in some tamade effort to label it when it was not necessary in the first place.

Fuck you.

I don't care if I'm selfish and petty. With you, I do not need to be gracious.

When are you getting out of the house, seriously?
Sengedox signing off.

Of Post-Exam Updates

2009-05-13T22:41:00.006+08:00

Ok I admit it has been very long since I blogged. Not too long ago was exams where I was totally, and not at all, stressed out, at the same time. I do not know why, but this semester feels different from the previous semester, and somehow I have slacked even more than usual. Even when the exams were looming, I was still playing games, etc everyday. So much more time could have been put into my books such that I probably could have studied finish, but I did not. For every single module, I had things untouched.

For PL2131, I did not touch the Methodology book at all, hence I could not answer all those questions. The paper for it was extremely difficult as well. To think that I only realised that there were MCQs only when I opened the paper, and I was lucky enough to get an eraser fron Nessa's friend, because I only realised I lost mine the night before, but thought nothing of it. This paper was definitely done badly, and I can only hope that everyone else did the same, haha.

For PL3232, the 2 questions were very surprising indeed. Being an open-book exam, one does not know what will be tested, and Shu and Nat were cursing Bio all the way throughout the semester. Not going for most of the lectures was a bad decision. I cramped as many chapters of the book as I could, but all I did was to read each chapter for the first time. I even skipper a few chapters, which I am glad I did, because the questions asked were not very text-based! It was more based on applying some things you have learnt, plus your own general knowledge, plus any additional studying you may have done, plus your ability to crap. Luckily my crapping ability is phenomenal, hence I managed to write quite a bit of rubbish. The parts I did not study (and the parts I did) did not come out at all.

For PL3233, Shu, Nat and I were pretty much nonchalant about it, cos it was (just) a 30% MCQ paper as the bulk of the percentage was already thrown on us during our midterm test. I only started studying it at night, reading through my notes, hoping to be able to improve my recognition ability, being the nature of the paper. Plus, it was the last paper, and was 2 days away from the previous one, hence all of us were pretty much slacking. The paper was quite easy, and we all finished within half an hour, and left the hall an hour after starting.

For SE1101E, I tried reading finish the textbook, but the textbook was actually pretty much useless, being different from what was taught during lectures. Actually, what was taught during lectures were sometimes quite, erm, different as well. In the end, I crapped my way through 3 questions, as usual, but I think 2 of the questions were probably badly done.

For SC2217, I tried finishing my readings, but I did not touch the 25 additional readings at all. As usual, I tried my best to crap, but I did not study the souvenirs part. I did not even finish watching the webcasts!!!

Haiz. A leopard cannot change its spots. Ah well. I will have to wait and see what kind of results I will get. I just hope that my CAP does not drop; last semester's CAP was bad enough already, even though I did well for 2 modules but was pulled down by one stupid easy module due to my laziness and stupidity. I hope my CAP improves, even though it would not reach my targetted 3.8, that's for sure.

Now that the stress of examinations are over, I am so gonna enjoy my holidays! I already went for a short Genting trip with Nancy, Nessa, Ray, Valerie, Jacky, Jansie and Shaun, and had lots of fun with them, taking photos, playing at the theme park, etc! I have to count my blessings that I was able to pass through the customs! Maybe I will write a post on this trip, maybe I will not, depending on my laziness. I also feel bad that I could not make it in time to send Mother off... I also had an amzaing time with Shu and Nat right after our last paper, camwhoring, shopping and watching X-Men Origins, and also a crazy time with Shu, Kenneth, Nessa and Nancy when we went for dinner and cam-whoring at Laselle after our Star Trek movie with the others.

Now upcoming stuff includes dinner with BBT Gang, Angels and Demons movie with the S House OGL people, and "bicycling" with NSR! With time comes the coinage of new terms and names, it is unavoidable, but I know where my heart lies, and I know who I treasure, I guess that is the most important for me. =D

I remember telling myself before the exams that I have to work out an exercising plan for my looming IPPT, but I still have not gone about doing anything yet. Haiz... How ah how ah...

I also told myself that I must learn the dances of the new Jolin songs, especially since I now have the time! And guess what, Jolin is coming to Singapore, like, finally!!! (Excluding the lame Wei Song Si Song concert lah) I just hope that I can get my Taiwan albums in time... It's been very long, and all the fanclub president just tells me "Soon". Zzzzz.

Ah well. Can't wait to go out more with my beloved friends! And time to start work soon on the upcoming Soci Camp!!!

Back to RC, DotA, FB, etc etc etc. Muahahahaha.

I don't want a boyfriend~ I need a real man! Real man real man real man real man!
Sengedox dancing off!

P.S. Oh yah, I had better make my new passport ASAP. Hahahahaha.

Of 妥协, Not 拖鞋!!!

2009-05-01T00:30:00.004+08:00

My now infamous song, 妥协 (NOT 拖鞋!!!) by Jolin and it's also the blog song! Wheee!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6R865t3axU

你總愛編織謊言
我負責配合表演
所有改變只為了進入你的世界

這情節重覆了一百遍
才發現是你的心太野

你劃定楚河漢界
我不能輕易犯規
所有時間都是先給了你優先權

不自覺愛到不敢冒險
成了你的傀儡一年兩年才看見我有多狼狽

愛到妥協
到頭來還是無解
綁著你不讓你飛
歷史不斷重演我好累

愛到妥協
也無法將故事再重寫
你已下最後通牒
我躲在我的世界

你只是害怕一個人睡
我不想再為你掉淚
我了解不會變
不再徘徊開始自己的明天

Lovely song, ain't it?? =) =) It's a really nice song with wonderful lyrics and music. Go listen to it! And if I feel kind enough, I may send to you if you offer me lotsa offerings. Hahahahaha.

Exams are killing meeeeeeeeee!!!! I feel like throwing my shows-oops, I mean my 拖鞋 at people. Rawr. Heehee.
Sengedox singing off~

Of Names, Of Identities

2009-04-18T01:08:00.004+08:00

Names. Groups.

An identity. A form of knowing. A way of clustering, of congregation.

An affirmation of what is now, of what you are experiencing, of what you place importance in.

A change.

Is it a step forward to show you've moved on, that the focus is on the current identity?

Or is it an affirmation of the previous identity, that it existed, that it was part of your memory, that it had some importance, that it cannot be tainted with the changes?

... Or both?

Time. As Yw says, Life Goes On.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Upside Down Videos on Youtube

2009-04-01T21:43:00.003+08:00

Haha, go check out Youtube while it's still April Fool's Day!

Happy April Fool's! =)
Sengedox signing off!

Of Loving Jolin's 花蝴蝶 Album

2009-04-01T03:33:00.004+08:00

I am thoroughly, absolutely, definitely, superbly, addictively, crazily, loving the new Jolin album, Butterfly Jolin, 花蝴蝶, right now. I swear, all the songs are nice.

It may seem impossible for me to give an unbiased view, but I still have to say some things that are somewhat neutral. When I first listened through the whole album, I didn't think much of it. Even when I first heard the first hit of the album, 大丈夫, weeks before the album release, I thought it was okay only. Funny how a lot of songs of Jolin always seem to be the case. Yet, the magic sets in once I give it a second go. I will then give it a third go, fourth go, fifth, sixth... It gets nicer and nicer. You catch the rythms and melodies and lyrics and meanings, and everything starts becoming super nice.

This new album has come into my life at the right time. I needed something that knows me, that sympathises with me, that understands me, that destresses me, that can bring me joy, happiness, euphoria, and sometimes the awesome emo feelings. It is a neutraliser, a stabiliser, a depressant, an antidepressant, medicine for the body, mind and soul. It is my pill of life. Without it, I will still be struggling. How will I cope?

People do not understand the importance of all these in my life. People view my antics, my loves, my likes, my interests, my opinions, my defences, as weird, overwhelming, peculiar, crazy, delusional.

Jolin keeps me sane and alive. So please, if you do not understand me, please, I rather you shut up. Everyone has their own likes and di, sslikes. Some people like Jay Chou, some people like Britney Spears, some like certain rock bands, some like English songs only, some like Hillsongs, some despise Mandarin pop, some think Jolin songs have no substance,that she can't sing, dance, etc etc, I don't give a shit. I like, and that's what's important.

Exams are coming!!! Oh nooooooo. Busy busy week. Have to finish up Sociology project with Shu and hand up by Friday. That is also the dateline for SEA fieldtrip report. Haiz. Following Wednesday is Cognitive Psychology test. And the week after that is Statistics report dateline. And after that, it's exams. ARGH.

你是花花世界里限量版的花花蝴蝶
美女们只是比较豁出去比较敢一点
花蝴蝶的美的艳的炫若没三审定谳
那些路人甲们凭什么发言惹人讨厌

I am staying sane for Jolin! I shall aim to learn the dances after the exams. That's probably when the 庆功 Celebration version will come out. =D
Sengedox signing off!

Of Humans

2009-03-23T01:23:00.005+08:00

"Will you keep to your word?"

"What do you think I am? Human?"

The movie The Matrix Revolutions is interesting, and I think the above lines resound quite well, other than the too-often-repeated "Everything that has a beginning has an end".

So, are humans really despicable at heart? The eternal question that some like to ponder upon: Are we born evil or born good? Does it even matter?

But I am still confused about the trilogy, cos I did not watch everything, haha. Will need to find someone to explain to me. =)

Ah well. School's killing me.
Sengedox signing off!

P.S. 5 more days to 花蝴蝶!!! WOOOOO!!!! =D

Of Disgusting Pedophile Who Should Die

2009-03-23T01:20:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX6dhhdJ7nE

This old man should be punished. He is sick and disturbed. I feel petrified at his arrogance and at that glint in his eyes.

Yuck.
Sengedox signing off.

Of Listen and Real Man, Jolin's New MV

2009-03-19T02:20:00.004+08:00

And so I'm sure most of you have watch videos of the Korean boy before, singing his signature tunes of We Belong Together and Tuts My Barreh. Well, not too long ago I've been addicted to Beyonce's Listen, and would listen to it many times a day. Recently, I found that this guy has sang Listen before as well! Do give it a listen. Haha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvYQcoTv98Q

Chorus is scary. Hahaha. Would you listen to it again??

Anyway, the mian thing I wanna show you people is Jolin's new MV, Real Man, or 大丈夫, featuring Nick, who is Billy 姐's son. I would say his rapping is yucky. But whatever, the main focus is on Jolin. Hahaha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8COsZloYdU

You should try watching it on Youtube itself and change to HQ mode. The quality is damn pro. Didn't know it can be so pro. Woots.

Some of you may not like the song, but whatever. Hahaha. I like it and that's the most important here. Heehee. Anyway the song is part of her new album, 花蝴蝶, or Colourful Butterfly (it's not Flower Butterfly if you're wondering) which is coming out on the 27th of March. I do not know if there is pre-ordering in Singapore but I have already done so through the fanclub for the Taiwan versions. WOOTS WOOTS. But the dance for this song is... I cannot do it lah. My legs will break off and die.

I CAN'T WAIT. SERIOUSLY. And she was on 娱乐百分百 just now. I AM SOOOO HAPPY NOW. MUAHAHAHAHA. I think I am feeling better already. Hahaha. (I am sick if you do not know. Damn sian. Since Thursday.)

I don't want a boyfriend~ I need a real man! 诚实的嘴可靠的肩温柔的眼!
Sengedox signing off!